Welcome to the
Official Football Happenings Web Site!
www.footballhappenings.com
{AssCommish note: Hello! Roy has given
us more than his two cents this week. And I'll let him get to it straight ahead. But, I
wanted to mention that the opinions expressed here are strictly Roy's. This means that I
own no responsibility to them. It also means that some things he writes about need to be
explained. In an experimental mode, try clicking the question mark button
wherever they appear. This will hopefully bring up my interpretation of his ramblings.}
Top of the Pops
While the FBH headliners have been consistent enough
to maintain their places in the standings, they have not made an early move to break away
from the pack. This has allowed several competitors, on the strength of some recent
stellar performances, to near the lead. Tom "Daddio" Schwade
has stealthily moved to one game back. Angelo "Green Bird" Forgione
must be standing on one foot, closing one eye, and giving "the horns" to the
newspaper, since he has rallied to two games out. Ellen "LPG" Raimondo
is obviously not sharing her picks with Bobbo, as she has been solidly building upon her
Q1R victory. Is Rob "NFL Photographer Guy" Tringali, Jr.
getting some inside info? (What has Pete Axthelm been up to these days?) Steve
"The Crime Dog" Schwade and Jeff "in process of changing
my son’s name to Elway" Sternberg spasmed with 10-2-1 records last
week. Elway Sternberg?
Also finding "picking paydirt" with 9
wins last week were Dawn "FBH High Priestess" Ruble, Ralph "FBH
most improved candidate" Shupp and John "If Paul Kessler is in
the Paul Division, why am I in the Ringo Division?" Kardell, who continued a
losing/winning trend that can only be described as "premenstral." We poked at
John last week for his 1-11-1 record, so we would be remiss if we failed to mention his
9-3-1 turnaround this week.
Bottom of the Heap
Thanks to Miss Kimba’s recent success, Steve
"I need no stinking Cushman" Ruble is alone at (in) last. Apparently Patty
"Mrs. Lakeville" Snider is spending too much time worrying about the
school board, Dave "Accessories Man" Curtis is spending too
much time looking for "a little white ball" and Tommy "Can you hear
me" Broussard is spending too much time on homework, as all are settling
further down every week.
Monkey in the Middle
This
week’s MonkeyBoy (a term of great endearment around our house) is Doug
"He’s from Barcelona" Manuel. Like any respectable middleman,
he’s right at .500 (39-39-4). Doug is a
longtime friend of Ralph's and co-founded with John K., BioHazzard Breweries, a
homebrewing company that has been brewing quality beers since the mid 1990's. Doug is
your lumber
man. If you're building a doghouse, or a penthouse (or an outhouse), he is the man to see.
But no, he is not from Barcleona.
Cowboy Suckage
All hail the mighty Giants! Whaaaah? Will someone up in the
offensive coaches booth please turn down the suck button already? This is becoming
unbearable. The ‘boys had the ball for over 41 minutes, lead in every conceivable
category including the very telling "turnovers" and "penalty yardage."
I don’t want to cry wolf here, but that second pass interference call was pure
crapola. The Giant wide receiver was grabbing Kevin Smith’s shoulderpad so he
wouldn’t intercept, and Smith gets the penalty? The call was so disputed that Jerry
Jones actually called Jerry Siemen, the head of the referees, to ask for an official
review of the call. I don’t remember that happening recently. A sign of desperation,
perhaps?
In postgame interviews, the Giant defense was
saying that they knew everything the Cowboys would do from the offensive formation. No
surprises. This does not come as a shock to Cowboys fans, but this should come as an
outrage to them because nothing is being done about it.
You can say that the Cowboys have always
been methodical and (in past years) relentless, unstoppable. They just kept coming at you.
Maybe they didn’t blow you out over the course of the game but then, early in the
fourth quarter, they would have that seven minute drive in which they beat you into
submission. You knew it was coming. Emmitt Right. Emmitt Left. Quick pass to Novacek, if
needed, on third down to move the chains. Cowboy TD. You could set your watch by it.
Well guess what sports fans, this ain’t the
early 90’s, and we’re not in Kansas anymore. Dallas hasn’t manhandled
anyone I can think of lately (on the field that is). The old gameplan just isn’t
working. We’re still trying to be patient and wait for "the drive" that,
sadly, isn’t going to come.
We need to mix things up. Start fooling other
people, rather than ourselves. Put Deion in there. Put Herschel in there. Let the Moose
throw it. SOMETHING! I know, this is a tricky proposition when you consider that
Troy "is he or isn’t he" Aikman is not exactly the most flexible guy in the
world. But Ernie "Mr. Pens" Zampese created "Air Coryell" for goodness
sake, he should have a couple of ideas.
Let’s GO!
I’m waiting for the Jets to deal
with all the Scum (Oh yeah)
Except for that naked picture of Jenny McCarthy that Ralph emailed me, nothing
has gotten my attention like the anticipated first meeting of the Mighty (almost Mighty
Mighty) Jets and the arch villan Sea Scum. Miami will bring their "meaner
looking" logos (yawn) to the Meadowlands, arriving as early 3 ½ point underdogs.
OK boys and girls, time for some mindless
ranting and or raving.
The Miami Dolphins epitomize everything that’s wrong with this world. Dan "That
Prick" Marino (not to be confused with Ernie "Mr. Pens" Zampese --
don’t even go there) is, by far, the "biggest bitch in the band" when
compared to other NFL QB’s (a group that is very big in England, by the way). His
expression during games makes me violently ill. You can see him saying things like: "Why
are they always dropping my passes! <<wah wah>> That defensive end touched my
shirt <<boo hoo>> I wanna win the Super Bowl!
<<Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!>> And I haven’t even mentioned "the play
that shall remain nameless."
Before I lose it, suffice it to say, "step off,
pretty boy." When are you going to retire already and start doing dinner theatre
somewhere? You know, opposite Cathy Rigby in a remake of "Carousel." In short,
get out of my division you annoying poof!
The same can be said for Jimmy Johnson, the
"Jim Sparks of the NFL" if you will. What a controlling mother-in law this guy
is. A manipulative, backstabbing, money grubbing, no loyalty having, twleve sandwich
eating, hair lacquering blowhard. (Nauseating Backpedaling from the Commish: I did
appreciate his work in Dallas. But that was different.)
Lest we forget that he pushed that positively wonderful
man, a man who stands with John Lennon, Tom Seaver and Joe Namath and one of my all-time
idols, "Mr. Fairness" Don Shula, out of a job? (For you new readers, that last
statement was utter and complete sarcasm).
Have I pissed you off enough yet?
What about the great and awesome Jets? Do you
think Parcells wants to kick a little Johnson butt? Oh yeah. The Jet defense will do well,
but we can’t expect a shut out, probably about 21 points surrendered. The jet offense
will be the key, specifically Neil O’Donnell, whom, I predict, will either be very
good or very bad. The running game, which has come alive in recent weeks, will do well
against the Miami D. Special teams is a clear NYJ advantage. The home field, a big plus.
(Did you know that all three Miami homegames have been blacked-out this year? Who’s
singing the Oilers’ song after a score, the officials?)
Nothing would please me more than a complete and
thorough depantsing of the Scum. I picture leaving Marino, prick, naked to his jock
at the fifty yard line, bound with a set of first down chains, with an Isotoner glove
sticking out of his pie hole! That’d be a good start.
You wanna know what I think about this game? (OK
maybe you don’t, but if not, a) it’s a little late at this point and, b) why are
you in this league?) These games have always been close, and my prediction is that this
game will rank up there with the old Matt Robinson to Wesley Walker (the WR, not the
gerb) in OT game.
When the dust settles, Bill Parcells will prove that he is not a "dolphin safe"
tuna.
Free Association
This is Roy. GO!
[
In a rare and strange intersection of cosmic events, Karl "Stress is an old
friend" Wallinger’s 40th birthday, World Party’s appearance on
"Sessions" and Yom Kippur all happen this Saturday. Jets vs. Scum on Sunday and
a three day Columbus Day weekend! And if my biorythms are peaking...look out!
[
Love
and Football, baby!
[
The "New Album to Check Out" this week is the new Sundays release "Static and
Silence". This is the first CD from the ‘days in six years and the void from
missing Harriet Wheeler’s "voice like a duck" (this is a good thing) has
been palpable. Granted it’s mainly classic stuff, but you won’t be disappointed.
[ Who says there is no Feng Shui in the NFL. When two of the worst
teams, the Saints and the Bears, met last Sunday night, the scoreboard read: NO
CHI. Coincidence? Hmm?
[
Admittedly,
I blew myself out on the Jet comments. Hopefully they get past the censors. I almost got a
penalty for excessive use of italics in this issue as well.
Until next week, from the love-beaded
Football Happenings headquarters, it’s little kisses, little kisses and ciao ciao!
Buntman A
While the FBH headliners have been consistent enough
to maintain their places in the standings, they have not made an early move to break away
from the pack. This has allowed several competitors, on the strength of some recent
stellar performances, to near the lead. Tom "Daddio" Schwade
has stealthily moved to one game back. Angelo "Green Bird" Forgione
must be standing on one foot, closing one eye, and giving "the horns" to the
newspaper, since he has rallied to two games out. Ellen "LPG" Raimondo
is obviously not sharing her picks with Bobbo, as she has been solidly building upon her
Q1R victory. Is Rob "NFL Photographer Guy" Tringali, Jr.
getting some inside info? (What has Pete Axthelm been up to these days?) Steve
"The Crime Dog" Schwade and Jeff "in process of changing
my son’s name to Elway" Sternberg spasmed with 10-2-1 records last
week. Elway Sternberg? 
This
week’s MonkeyBoy (a term of great endearment around our house) is Doug
"He’s from Barcelona" Manuel. Like any respectable middleman,
he’s right at .500 (39-39-4). Doug is a
longtime friend of Ralph's and co-founded with John K., BioHazzard Breweries, a
homebrewing company that has been brewing quality beers since the mid 1990's. Doug is
your lumber
man. If you're building a doghouse, or a penthouse (or an outhouse), he is the man to see.
But no, he is not from Barcleona.
All hail the mighty Giants! Whaaaah? Will someone up in the
offensive coaches booth please turn down the suck button already? This is becoming
unbearable. The ‘boys had the ball for over 41 minutes, lead in every conceivable
category including the very telling "turnovers" and "penalty yardage."
I don’t want to cry wolf here, but that second pass interference call was pure
crapola. The Giant wide receiver was grabbing Kevin Smith’s shoulderpad so he
wouldn’t intercept, and Smith gets the penalty? The call was so disputed that Jerry
Jones actually called Jerry Siemen, the head of the referees, to ask for an official
review of the call. I don’t remember that happening recently. A sign of desperation,
perhaps?
You can say that the Cowboys have always
been methodical and (in past years) relentless, unstoppable. They just kept coming at you.
Maybe they didn’t blow you out over the course of the game but then, early in the
fourth quarter, they would have that seven minute drive in which they beat you into
submission. You knew it was coming. Emmitt Right. Emmitt Left. Quick pass to Novacek, if
needed, on third down to move the chains. Cowboy TD. You could set your watch by it.
Except for that naked picture of Jenny McCarthy that Ralph emailed me, nothing
has gotten my attention like the anticipated first meeting of the Mighty (almost Mighty
Mighty) Jets and the arch villan Sea Scum. Miami will bring their "meaner
looking" logos (yawn) to the Meadowlands, arriving as early 3 ½ point underdogs.
The Miami Dolphins epitomize everything that’s wrong with this world. Dan "That
Prick" Marino (not to be confused with Ernie "Mr. Pens" Zampese --
don’t even go there) is, by far, the "biggest bitch in the band" when
compared to other NFL QB’s (a group that is very big in England, by the way). His
expression during games makes me violently ill. You can see him saying things like: "Why
are they always dropping my passes! <<wah wah>> That defensive end touched my
shirt <<boo hoo>> I wanna win the Super Bowl!
<<Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!>> And I haven’t even mentioned "the play
that shall remain nameless."
Before I lose it, suffice it to say, "step off,
pretty boy." When are you going to retire already and start doing dinner theatre
somewhere? You know, opposite Cathy Rigby in a remake of "Carousel." In short,
get out of my division you annoying poof!
[
The "New Album to Check Out" this week is the new Sundays release "Static and
Silence". This is the first CD from the ‘days in six years and the void from
missing Harriet Wheeler’s "voice like a duck" (this is a good thing) has
been palpable. Granted it’s mainly classic stuff, but you won’t be disappointed.