Quarter Finishes
John Division
Doctor X finished
a strong year by winning the final quarterly race by two games over 1996 Champ
Todd "Have you seen my wedge?" Meyer and the only two-time Champ (1988 and 1993)
Andy "Mr. Hollywood" Halstead.
Paul Division
Dave
"*@#$%^&" Curtis lead a
sad, sad division winning with a 28-29-1 record by two games. Apparently the football gods
were looking for "Yesterday" and you produced "Jet."
George
Division
Matt "Cougar
Power" Bashaw won the George
race by one game on the strength of a 10-4-1 finale. Michelle Cooke-Brown was one back and Mr. World Party was two back.
Ringo Division
Mellenhead took three of the four quarters in the Ringo
division, including the last one. Ron
"5th Place in 1997 – Will we see the Ol’ Juggernaut in
1998?" Hade was two back.
The Cowboys
When
it comes to predicting future success, there is no indicator like past performance. So why
spend mental time and energy getting your hopes up over a 6-10 team? I’ll tell you
why: 1) Because they just look so good on paper and/or, 2) you still think its
1991. Many of your Super Bowl heroes are back to give it another go and management has
made a few off-season moves and, despite the youth, the depth chart looks deeper than it
has for a while. The trouble is, there are a lot of players who could have either really
good or really bad seasons. And things haven’t looked so hot in pre-season either.
New coach Chaaaaan Gailey was brought in to instill some discipline. In fact, he had the
entire training camp pre-scripted into 15 minute increments. Hopefully next year
he’ll leave out the 15 minute section when Michael "I’m not an unstable
drug addict or anything" Irvin stabbed his new offensive mate right guard Everett
McIver in the neck with a pair of scissors. (Ironically, the real MacGiver would probably
escaped the attack then blown up the towel room with a homemade bomb to create a diversion
while he fled the scene with his beautiful co-star and a gym bag full of money.) The
Commish thinks its another record around .500 this season and, along with fewer Dallasites
every season, hopes for much better. Who knows, maybe 9-7 wins the NFC East this year.
The Mighty Jets
Bryan Cox? Curtis Martin? Keith Byars? Vinny? What
the…? Fact: Nationwide, only Brett Favre’s jersey is outselling Wayne
Chrebet’s. And you can buy the NFL jersey of a former Rutgers player at J.C.
Penney’s (Ray Lucas). Huh? Jet fans have a lot to keep track of these days. John Hall
– the best kicker in the NFL. Just one problem; he can’t make anything. Murrell?
Gone. O’Donnell? Gone. (Boy did that feel good!) Old Jet uniforms? Gone. (Well
technically, the old uniforms were the new uniforms and now they are the old uniforms and
the old uniforms were the old uniforms and now they are the new uniforms). Grass at the
Meadowlands! (and I don’t mean on the ramp.) It was great while it lasted. But you
know those cookie Titans; the more things change, the more they stay the same. Expect to
win games we shouldn’t. And lose games we shouldn’t. Figure on a close call
either way on a playoff berth. Super Bowl? Not likely, but what green-blooded boy
doesn’t secretly wish? Let’s make the post-season where anything could happen.
Free Association
This
is the Commish. GO!
[ We at the LBFBHHQ are finally in synch with the
modern world as this year, for the first time, we will have all the NFL games on tap
thanks to the new satellite dish. Now, it will be much easier to reach the FBH staff on
Sundays. And hey, come on over if your in our neighborhood.
[
We would like to proudly announce that Mookie is
now in seal class.
[
Weird discovery: Forrest Gump and Goliath (Davey
Hansen’s clay dog) have the same voice. Come to think of it, I never have seen them
together. Hmmm…
[ Despite some much appreciated help
getting the old computer working (i.e. Jame did it all), we
were unable to break through and get a new e-mail address set up for me in time for press.
I will e-mail everyone with the address as soon as I get it established. For now, send
stuff to Ralph.
[ You may recall that last year I boldly predicted
that an AFC team would win the Super Bowl. This year it seems hard to see a really
dominant team emerging from anywhere. I get the feeling it is going to be a franchise that
has not won a Super Bowl before, or not for a long while.
[ I just want to close by saying we can’t be
more excited to share another season, our thirteenth, with you all and we wish you the
best of luck and wonderful things for the upcoming season (inside and outside of FBH).
This is Ralph,
Go!
Thought I 'd
share this email I received from FBH member John Kardel. We all
know John, even those of us who've never met him. Here are his thoughts for the upcoming
season of FBH...
"So I actually muster up the
energy to take that long and foreboding walk to the mailbox. It usually takes me about 2
weeks or so to get up the energy to make that trek. [His mailbox is twenty
feet from his front door.] However unlike past trips to the box that is
almost exclusively filled with bills and hassles and shit, this morning I was happy to
find my very own invitation to sign up in what has been called by some the most
prestigious football pool in the world, The Football Happenings Pool. Complete with an
Uncle Floyd reference right on the cover just centimeters from my misspelled name. (That
really makes me feel at home.) Now it should be known that I am not one to really get all
sorts of excited about the football season so long as there is that dismal thing the Mets
are doing at that time of the year. This year the Mets actually have a chance to be
playing some meaningful baseball at that time. However, words can not be typed (at least
not spelled correctly by me) that can describe the thrill I got each week last year making
my picks and being part of the FBH experience.
I was quite happy with my .476 winning % as a rookie, but then again I like jock
itch. Considering the amount of painstaking thought and research that I put into each and
every pick I really thought I would do worse. From my place rather low on the list of
wins, but still ahead of Bob Shupp, I intend to reach for the stars. To strive to be
something better. To get my check to LBFBHHQ sometime before the SuperBowl, and of course
to dominate the competition. Some people look at things realistically and set reachable
goals. Steps, if you will, to continually reach higher and improve themselves. Pooh-Pooh.
Cautious and well mannered predictions are for fags! I am for totally outlandish and
irrational statements. Which is why once again I predict victory and that I will have no
more then 25 losses all season. And most of those will because "they" are out to
get me. You know who "they" are.
Well I've rambled on enough. Time to go to work and be a shitty retail manager and
dream of the day when I am THE KING OF THE FBH pool.
JPK ---- Biohazard
Breweries
Since the dawn of cognitive thinking, man has
wrestled with existentialism. In the far east, Buddhist monks meditate incessantly to
solve koans as part of a life-long attempt to reach enlightenment. The answer that yours
truly, resident philosopher king, the Commish, has been searching for is to the question:
"Why is it ‘FBH’ and not simply ‘FH’?" All I can say so far
is: "It just is."