Vol. 2 Issue 1 -- September 9, 1998
In This Issue:It Don’t Come Easy – What’s that Ring(o)ing in my ears?
Divisional Alignment – OK. Hughes over here. And Hughes over there.
Clairvoyance Rewarded – Take a deep breath if you’re reading aloud.
Key the Intro Music – Let the games begin!
Joy Divisions – Don’t you just hate hairballs?
Free Association – The one stop shop for yangs and yins.
Didn’t it seem like the week one quandary was especially murky this season? I felt as though I had been asleep for seventy-five years and the first thing I was asked when I awoke was: "Who’s Dave Kreig playing for this year?" Many of my wise FBH competitors took the home teams to get more clues before venturing a committal. I, however, spent several hours of my life analyzing all the resources I could muster. This paid off in one additional win, something decidedly less than spades. However, I took solace that I was on the wrong side of two last-second losses (plus this lama told me that when I die, I will receive total consciousness) so I got that going for me. Well, I can always go back to vaudeville.
In a possibly-construed-as-retro move, FBH has gone back to three divisions. This, as always, was done to enhance komradeship – one of the keystones of FBH. Catering to that other FBH keystone – giving you every possible chance to get your money back – we will award four quarterly prizes; three to the divisional winners and the last to a wild card. My apologies in advance to everyone in the "Little Boy Division" on the name, and a reminder to please not crap on the carpet (even though you cannot spell "carpet" without "crap") as the bathtub is a cold place to sleep.
Thanks to the largest FBH field ever and to low overhead (the internet has really cut down on the postage expense! That and Ralph works cheap), the LBFBHHQ is pleased to announce that the 1998 FBH Champion will leave this season carrying not only nearly bottomless esteem, but, much more importantly, $300. (Complex sentences are my life.) Second place will get $150 and, much more importantly, should anything happen to our Champion, they would complete the reign (County fairs, the talk show circuit, etc.) until a new Champion is established. (You don’t have to do "The Magic hour" if you don’t want to.) Third place is worth $75 which you can trade for a bag of tapes. FBH still contains the patented last place $25 escape hatch. You math majors are way ahead of me, but that’s $950 in prizes. Whew!
Stunning wits, precision analysis, or, as Les Claypoole (no relation to Little Miss Supertramp) has been known to say: "Is it Luck?" The best opening weeks belong to Dawn "Dutesky" Ruble and Patty "I use ‘One Year Photo’ for my film developing needs" Snider with 11-4 efforts. One game back are the Papa Schwades, Bob and Tom, and FBH cadet Jody Posey (my friends call me "Josey").
A monkey with a racing form could have done better. I don’t want to call Angelo "Sheehy" Forgione’s first week performance pitiful, but he is tied with a foul-mouthed imaginary character. Maybe you can draw your own parallels.
This year, the divisions will bear the names of some of my closest friends, those loveable FBH mascots. Here’s why who’s where and how week one went, eh what?:
Mookie Division
The Commish’s division has a few changes. AB, The Angel, Todd and Patty remain battle-tested, but how will the family compete after getting whipped by my alter-ego last year? Into this maelstrom, we drop Ruble compadre and FBH neophyte Dave "Abdul-Jab-"Barisa -- but only after learning of latent (if not blatant) Cowboy leanings.
It is hardly a surprise to see the Dute out to another fast start. It is somewhat shocking, however, to see that Patty "you may remember me from such last place finishes as 1996" Snider, and reigning Nipplehead Uncle Rich "you may remember me from such second-to-last place finishes as 1997" Brown have started before week three. Break them up!
Jackie Division
Kim leads the Vanek and Dallas-area Division, which includes newcomers, Yogi referral Jody "Pocketful" Posey, member of the Excel slackforce Mike "Jack" Forst, software tycoon Kelly "Howdly Hoo" Howell(erinos), and Kelly’s brother Tommy Lee (note to yankees – they were out of Jim Bobs when I checked) Shiflett. And from South Park, Kenny.
The aforementioned young master Jody has the highest lifetime FBH average (.667) after a 10-5 first effort (winning percentage expected to drop significantly as season progresses). He leads Pete "I filled out my FBH application in invisible spy ink" Knapp and Mike "I didn’t have any free hands to fill out mine" Forst by one game.
Sadly, last Sunday, Kenny was accidentally killed when he tripped over the jerry-rigged satellite cable in my living room, fell into some strewn musical instruments, and was impaled through his eyesocket on a guitar neck. Those bastards!
Little Boy Division
It’s going to be more turbulent than the Hatfields and the McCoys. The Shupps and the McSchwades. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhupp…Be aschwade. Be very aschwade.
Bob "The Admiral" Schwade has sent the first message and that is: "Good Luck to me. Good riddance to you!" Outwardly indifferent is Tom "The Raiders love you too, Buddy" Schwade (who said he’d never learn how to live like a Californian? I’ll bet he even drinks Merlot.) who is keeping pace ahead of two Dave "Favorite Smell Source" Schwade and Jeff "Angus" Sternberg.
This is the Commish. GO!
[ "I once was lost, but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see…" (Mighty Jet football that is – thanks to my new satellite dish.) How Bob Shctumpf doesn’t already have one already is beyond me. The head of the family, AC and the Commish made the maiden NFL Sunday Ticket voyage for opening day, and it was sweet! We watched parts of every game on two TVs. Ooh la la. Come on by some Sunday.
[ Continuing on the technology trend, Buntman now has re-established an e-mail address. Thanks to Yogi and his working band of trolls, I can be reached at thecommish@footballhappenings.com. But be warned, I may write back.
[ Opening day injury report listed the Oilers’ Steve Jackson "questionable" for (groin-finger). Reading between the lines: Vision problems?
[ Keep those cards and letters coming. AC is posting everything he can.
[ Check out the new Dada album. We still wave lighters in the crowd.
[ The best game of week one had to be Jets/Saint Francis. It’s gonna be an exciting year to be a Jetfan!
[ Call me nutty, but I’ll bet the best game of week two will be: Dallas/Denver.
[ Alright, all you new people, drop and give me fifty!
Until next week,
from the love-beaded Football Happenings
headquarters, it’s little kisses, little
kisses and ciao ciao!
Buntman A
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