Vol. 2, Number 15  December 17, 1998

In This Issue:

Fifteen Swans a Swimming – How long will the Commish hold out?
Overall Standings and Divisional Races – Selling the Drama
Pre-Association – The ambiguity has left the box and joined the paragraph
Free Association – Wasn’t Paul Rodgers in "Free Association"?

Fifteen Swans a Swimming

  Saturday games can only mean one thing, Santa is making out his playoff list. And while the Mighty Jets are on it and the Cowboys should be, The Commish is not anywhere close. No matter what I do, an air of FBH mediocrity has attached itself to me like the smell of a high school gym suit on Friday. However, being the positive thinker, I’m going to chalk this one up to this being the Year of the White Lion and root for the overall good. Sure, I had Hartford and Jacksonville last week, and the picks lost, but those results were good for my little green friends from the Meadowlands. Much better to stay detached from the individual glory for the good of the team.

  The fourth quarter has been a fickle bitch, thus far. Only five of us were able to hit on nine wins or better last week. Leading the way was Tom "Schwademan" Schwade who had a 12-1-2 record. And frankly, the Patriots should have won.

Overall Standings

  Since everyone did about the same last week, not much moving about at the top of the leaderboard. It’s all real close, and next week you’ll get the appropriate amount of build-up. I’m pacing myself.

  As oddly comforting as the Christmas season itself, Dave "Phish Boy" Schwade’s presence in the FBH backseat means "all is right with the world." These words from the man himself. "I'm glad to be back in my familiar surroundings - the basement. Thanks to Angelo for keeping the place tidy for me. I like the new furniture. We need to get a pool table down here. Angelo - thanks for not disturbing my hidden collection of Penthouses. Whoops - I see you did disturb them. What's with these Philadelphia Eagles posters?"

Divisional Races

Mookie Division

  Angelo "Looking for that Christmas Miracle" Forgione is ahead so far in this quarter, but he may need more than Markie Post to save him. Michelle "What the hell is he talking about" Brown is one back with a swarm three behind. is ahead so far in this quarter, but he may need more than Markie Post to save him. Michelle "What the hell is he talking about" Brown is one back with a swarm three behind.

Key Divisional Stat: This division eats the most prunes.

Jackie Division

Break up Pete Knapp!! After starting with 9 wins in week one of the quarter, St. Pete picked up right where he left off with 11 wins last week, giving him a league-wide best 20 for the fourth quarter. He is lapping the rest of the division.

  Sadly, last week, Kenny was crushed when a display of poofy looking Batman action figures (not the good ones that actually resemble, even faintly resemble, Adam West) fell on him in Toys-R-Us. Those bastards!

 Key Divisional Stats: This division is entirely finished with it’s Christmas shopping.

Little Boy Division

 Though neither Ron "Giant Boy" Hade nor Mighty Tom Schwade may get that Black & Decker Versipack for Christmas, but they are leading the division after two weeks. Happy holidays from us at the LBFBHHQ!

 Key Divisional Stats: What ever happened to Super Mikey?

Pre-Association

  It’ll only be the one article this week as I am drunk following yet another soul-stirring round of Christmas shopping. This has been good for some of you. Kim and I tend to spend more after a few beers, but the quality becomes more erratic. We’ll just sort it out in the morning. Anyhoo, time to discuss something football related. Got to be loving those Jets. Who’d think we’d even be considering a first round bye? And what about the G-men and their fine performance against the Broncos. Makes one pine for the days of Ali Haji-Sheik, n’est ce pas? Chan is a very bad man! Bad bad Chan!

  Didn’t you just know that that kooky new doctor on ER would turn out to be a crazed psychopath? When has Mare Winningham ever been someone on an even keel? She should coach the Hravins. Straighten them right out. Miss a block, she’ll cut you. Drop a pass, she’ll cut you. And I don’t mean from the team, either.

Free Association

This is the Commish. GO!

[ In a possible response to last week’s FBH column entitled "I Thought My Friend Was Refereeing", the NFL’s competition committee voted down the use of instant replay for the remainder of the 1998 season. My next column should be about why the Jets will not win this year’s Super Bowl.

[ You loved him in Fergus Falls, and you loved him in North Texas. Now Todd "C’mon and hug me you big bear of a man" Meyer is Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof"! Ok, he’s not. But it was his birthday earlier this week. Happy days, Man!

[ Check out "Who’s Line is it Anyway" on Wednesday nights on ABC. I laugh my butt off every time.

[ Just an idle thought: Maybe the reason the Republicans are after President Bill "George" Clinton is to get him so riled up that he starts bombing people, there by completing their original agenda. Hmmm….

[ Be careful of all the hustle and bustle out there. Take a personal moment. If you need a note to get excused from work, just let your ol’ pal the Commish know.

Webmaster's Note: Since the offices of the AssCommish will be closed for the Xmas holiday from Dec. 23 - 29, it's highly unlikely that this page will change again until after my return. I will urge Roy to have the standings after this weekend ready to post by Tuesday night (22nd) so you'll all know where you stand going into the final week. And since the offices of the Commish will shut down for a New Year's weekend trip (Dec 30th? - Jan 4th?), we have all the ingredients for a typical end-of-season FBH Blackout. My fingers are crossed that this doesn't happen, and I will do everything in my power to see that it doesn't.

In the meantime, from all of us at FBH-HQ,
Have A Merry Christmas and a Great New Year!!