Vol. 2, Number 16  December 22, 1998

In This Issue:

Penultimation – Believe it.
Overall Standings and Divisional Races – Tell you what Buster, FBH it Hot! Hot! Hot!
So You Want to be a Jet Fan? – The Jets moratorium is hereby over.
Holiday Thoughts – Bound to be cheerier than Morrissey.
Free Association – We Free Kings from Orient are.

Penultimation

Scores were somewhat better last week, but the lack of serious playoff caliber teams is causing a bit of difficulty in making one’s picks. Lessee…Will they be resting their good guys? What do these guys have to play for? Why am I worrying being 10 games out with 15 to play?

Wondering about how those battles between significant others are going? Happy to report that the men will probably gain a tie in this year’s Ryder Cup, having won three (Dick, Jeff S. and Commishy) and losing three (Rob T., Steve R. and Shuppy). Must have something to do with that East Coast air. I’m just glad Margie Forgione and Mrs. Schwade weren’t entered this year!

Overall Standings

 Some of you have positioned yourselves for possible victory at the end of the final week to come. If you are interested in seeing what your fellow FBH-ers are doing, you can see a copy of all picks submitted on-line (the overwhelming majority of them) at ...

 And if you want to make those last second changes, the LBFBHHQ phones will be manned. Call the Commish at (972) 307-1938 or find the AssCommish in NJ.

 It can hardly be termed, pulling away with it, but Dick "Head of the Family" Vanek has the slim one game lead over Mike "Magnum" Forst and the more comfortable two game lead over Josey "Pussycat" Posey. And would you believe that the top ten are all comprised of men? That’s right, the top three women are tied for eleventh place, 6 games off the lead.

 The last place race looks like it’s down to two, and you know which two. Going for the ’62 Mets Cellar Dweller Award are Angelo "Sheehy" Forgione and Dave "Phabulous Phoney" Schwade. Dave leads in futility 97 wins to 98 after going 10-5 which closed the gap by three games.

 Good luck to all!

Divisional Races

Mookie Division

  Angelo and Michelle "Cry me a river, Fin Babe" Brown are tied going into the last week. Will Ang be able to win the quarter and last place simultaneously? Tune in next week.

 Key Divisional Stat: Uncle Rich has all but mathematically eliminated Uncle Ken in the Nipplehead race, but Steve "Do I have a dog in this fight?" Ruble is only two games ahead of him. Dute is the only FBH-er whose percentage is the overall average (.516).

Jackie Division

 Apparently "Polar" Pete Knapp feels so confident about his three game lead in the JQ4 race, he’s taking a little vacation. To Antarctica, no less. He did not leave a reason. The LBFBHHQ wishes him a good trip and offers the reminder not to put your tongue on any exposed metal, dude.

 Sadly, last week, Kenny was strolling in downtown Baghdad and…yaddi yaddi yaddi… Those bastards!

 Key Divisional Stats: Mike is the only repeat quarterly winner this year.

Little Boy Division

 That Polar Pete guy don’t have anything on Ron "Giant Boy" Hade who has the whopping 4 game advantage on someone whom I will personally vouch for as being unable to catch up.

 Key Divisional Stats: The Mookie division has caught the Little boy in winning percentage with one week to go.

So You Want to be a Jet Fan?

The subject of the reasons behind the success of the Jets came up this week and Miss Kimba’s theory was it was a direct response to her change of allegiance. It does seem that there are more Jet fans all the time. So if you are considering this theoretical conversion, there are a few things to remember. First, they only have a winning season every ten years or so. Second, when they don’t have a winning season, watching them can be as painful as having your eyes flogged with a morning star. (Existing Jet fans would be wise to remember the above before they become too cocky. With the Jets, cockiness leads to embarrassment.) But loving the Jets when they win is the deepest spiritual experience that football has to offer.

If you suspect that you, or someone you love, has become a Jet fan but you’re not sure, check for these warning signs:

1. You own a bottle of ketchup with Joe Klecko on it.
2. Any mention of the Miami Dolphins, Don Shula, or Dan Marino (Prick) sends you into a crazy-eyed, frothing, semi-coherent ranting soliloquy worthy of a lunatic street-person.
3. You get the deranged idea that a broken football is really an inside-out hat.
4. Two words: "Guaranteed Gut" <See Below>.

Holiday Thoughts

  FBH Santa and the Elves received several nice holiday messages over the past week. Most ranged somewhere between the following two, from the keyboards and minds of Dave S. and Patty S (except for those persisting and somewhat unnerving notes from Steve S. about his tight butt).

 Writes Dave:
 Company non-denominational Holiday party tonight. I love when the company buys you a beer. After a few, we'll be singing such great classics as, "I'll be home for non-denominational day," and "I'll have a blue, non-denominational day without you." Happy Holidays to all - even the pagans.

 An excerpt from Patty’s well-wishes:
 Many thanks to all who work so hard to keep FBH going strong, especially AssCommish, for all his late night Web page work. This has been a rather tulmultous year for Ms. Snider, and I wish to thank all of my FBH family for their love and support during a trying time. The good news is that we are all going to be strong and fine in the months to come. I have learned to count my many blessings, and FBH is one of them. Thanks and love to you all, happy holidays.

 I hear you guys loud and clear. The whole festival itself while somewhat taxing, is worth it. Holidays are stopping points along the road of life. A time where we are reminded to look around a bit and take stock. To revel in the fantastic opportunity being alive presents us. To thank the world for all it shares with us. Congratulations on being such wonderful folks! FBH is certainly a blessing to me because you all are on the other end.

Free Association

This is the Commish. GO!

[ I wish to announce that, at the end of this season, I will be changing my entire wardrobe to performance fleece.

[ Just a co-incidence that I’m taking a trip right after the season ends and the prizes have to be distributed. Promise.

[ Hurray for the Cowboy! NFC East champs with the chance to be the first team to go through an entire divisional schedule undefeated-untied. Only if it meant something. Keep the faith!

[ Although he will be in attendance at the season finale versus Hartford, alas, young Ralph’s dream of seeing a meaningful Jet game in December will be thwarted once again. Ricky may be SOL, but our man in upstate NY, Andy "I’m Dreaming of a Whitey Christmas" Halstead, was not. He was in attendance to watch the gang green polish off those buffalo wings.

This Is Ralph, Go!

 In keeping with the holiday spirit, I thought it might be nice if I enlightened many of you on yet another of Roy's "inside jokes".

 The Guaranteed Gut is that of non-FBH'er Steve Shupp (who seems to be getting more mention than any other "true" FBH'ers the past few weeks). Steve used to wear a Jets t-shirt to Jets games that commemorated the 1968 Super Jets. At the bottom of the shirt, it said, "The Guaranteed Victory", and when he would wear this outfit, that part stood out on his gut. It seemed obvious to me then that his was the Guaranteed Gut. It was there at every home game, being filled with beer. Guaranteed.