Vol. 2 Issue 6 -- October 14, 1998

In This Issue:

Sixto Lezcano

  He played outfield for five teams and batted .271 lifetime with gap power (184 2B, 34 3B and 148 HR in 12 seasons). But he didn’t know Jack (Morris) about FBH. So why bring him up? He was a marginally famous Brewer, like our leader John "Never Pick the Falcons (ah shuddup!)" Kardel. And the obvious week six reference. Remember, hitting a baseball is harder than picking a football (game). Steve "Intern X" Schwade (his license has been suspended for malprediction) is way ahead of Sixto this season with a .397 average. Sounds pretty good in that context.
  The thing that makes me afraid is Mr. Kardel has been very quiet. Too quiet. Last year, all braggadocious on Friday and tepid on Sunday. This year, not a damned peep. And winning. Can he hold his tongue? Can he keep on winning? Can he bake a cherry pie, Billy Boy, Billy Boy? He’s tied with Uncle Rich for the lead.

  I had to check the spreadsheet twice, but believe it. Speaking of pie, Kelly "Dada Mama" Howell is in second place. So that’s what she’s been doing all day. If this continues the LBFBHHQ is going to do a special study on telecommuters.

Divisional Races

Mookie Division

 Todd "ViQueens? ViNot?" Meyer and Mark "Can’t wait until winter school break (not)" Reid are tied for the early lead a mere game ahead of those two Faux Rooskies, Barisanikov and Kommishky.

  Key Divisional Stat: Steve, Angelo and Andy all have .410 winning percentages.

Jackie Division

  With three weeks to go, it’s far from over, but Jeff "Damn Yankee Reversion in Process" Vanek has a slim lead over Kelly. Just don’t root for the Red Wings for at least one season.

  Sadly, last Sunday, Kenny was given the death penalty after hosing down the proprietor and security guys at the "Galaxy Club" with an Uzi following a lacking presentation (i. e. Randy had the suck button way up, sleep police, $8 will get you $6, etc.) of the superband Dada. Those bastards! At least he survived the stoned cabdriver.

 Key Divisional Stats: Six, count ‘em, six competitors tied for the quarter three games behind JV.

Little Boy Division

  Jeff "Stern Stern Stern. Stern is the Word" Sternberg lead the field last week with 8 wins, enough to allow him a three game lead above the sluggish remainder of the group also known as the "Squali" Division. Again, much time to go.

  Key Divisional Stat: The three Schwade boyz are a combined 25-47 so far this quarter.

NY or Not NY ?
Why is this a question?

 Few have noticed and, most definitely, fewer care. But as long as sports minutia exists, [minutia: an almost invisible uniform change, an obscure Harry M. Stevens reference] your LBFBHHQ will be there to deliver the news with all the excitement of an afternoon of spackling.

 For Jet home games, a symbol resembling the Jet logo (right) is now being painted on the fifty yard line. This symbol differs from the actual logo (left) because the "NY" is conspicuously missing. I, for one, are among the knights who say "NY". The AssCommish says "Not NY" (please don’t confuse with Novotony"). And so... Point / Counterpoint

Why the "NY" should be there - by the Commish
Why the "NY" should not be there - by Ralph

This is Roy, Go!

  First of all, the logo is the logo. You don’t change the logo. Who told you you could change the logo? I didn’t tell you you could change the logo. For Pete’s sake, teams have to petition the league to change uniforms. Randomly changing the logo is one step from anarchy. Maybe you are one of those people who would rather the "NJ" rather than the "NY"? Why not just take out the "Y"? It would make as much sense. The New Jets in their New uniforms. Or if you take out the NY, why don’t you replace it with something else, like a slimy mammal with a blow hole and an "M"? And change the team colors to boot!

This is Ralph, Go!

  Roy you ignorant slut! Isn't it bad enough that the Jets have to play their HOME games in a stadium named after another NFL team? What's with that? You don't see the damn Cowboys playing at 49ers Field! And although this isn't the issue here, (what exactly IS the issue here?), the new turf at the Meadowlands has an NFL symbol and "GIANTS STADIUM" written in Giants colors like the Giants logo on the fifty for Giants games. I would much rather see an altered Jet logo on the fifty than to be reminded once again that the Jets are merley guests in their own home. I suppose you would rather see Jerry Jones' likeness on the fifty at Texas Stadium instead of an altered Cowboy logo.

 And your suggestion of just eliminating the "Y" is equally moronic. Take a look...

This is Roy, Go!

  The not so subtle slap at New York is totally bogus. The whole New York versus New Jersey thing has been old since the beginning and has got to end. It is in poor taste, even for New Jersey. HELLO! PEOPLE! The New York stands for the Metropolitan area, not for the State, not for the City and certainly not for Newark. Jet games should be a time for people of all walks of life and from all corners of the tri-state area to come together, at tailgate parties, on the ramps, etc. Remember how we all used to pee on the girders at Shea? That’s the spirit! Jet Tequila. Jet Ketchup. Profanely worded chocolate footballs. Not "Thanks for being the reason the whole area exists and for the football team, New York. Now piss off!" Good Googily Moogily, Jersey people! We are bigger than that. Has FBH taught us nothing? What is power without compassion? And the Jets do not need any negative karma going if they expect a playoff run.

This is Ralph, Go!

  Roy, sometimes your outright foolishness astounds me! You, my friend, have lived outside of New Jersey - New York for way too long. Last time I checked, NEW YORK stood for the STATE OF NEW YORK! Not New York and all that touches it! Are you also suggesting that the Hartford Whalers also change their name to New York Whalers because Connecticut is also considered part of the Metropolitan area? That's absurd! (Never mind that the Whalers moved to Carolina two years ago.) Have you completely forgotten your state pride? Maybe to you, Mr. Texan, NY means NJ too, but to those of us who remember where we come from, it does not! And what's this crap about NJ existing ONLY because NY is there too? What shite! George Washington didn't fight the British in NY, he did it in NJ! And he fought for YOU, you ungrateful such and such! Did Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi come from NY? NO! They, like you Mr. Commish, are Jersey born and bred. And no matter how crappy their music can be at times, they still have some of that state pride that you seem to have dismissed from your way of thinking. You should be spanked, suggesting that NJ does not have it's own identity. Ellis Island? Statue Of Liberty? Both sit in NJ waters! So does Giants Stadium, and if the proprietors of that fine stadium chose to spit in the face of NY, then I will offer up as much of a goober as I can muster to help them do it. And if you had any pride left, you would do the same.

  Need I remind you that your beloved "Dallas" Cowboys play their "home" games in IRVING, Texas!! Hello!! I live in Dallas. I don't live in Irving any more than I live in Carrollton, which is where you live, sir. Why don't ya c'mon across the street and join me in Big D! Invite the Cowboys too, they might like it here.
  Or are you suggesting they forever be known as the Metroplex Cowboys? That goes along with your "it's all one big happy area" theory, but it sounds awfully stupid, doesn't it?

This is Roy, Go!

  Finally, that logo conjures up my first and most precious moments as a football fan and to see it butchered like that is a travesty of the highest order. Joe Namath didn’t give his knees so some smart ass stadium worker could take poetic license with a symbol that is as sacred to me as Xuxa’s underwear drawer. Thank you.

This is Ralph, Go!

  Oh Roy, my foolhardy compatriot. I have as much sentiment in that old/new logo as you do, maybe more because it is the only NFL flag that I will ever fly over my head. Taking some liberties with a logo that's merely painted on the field is completely acceptable. Just be glad that the team showed some sentimentality and switched to the old logo and uniform design and kept it the same, instead of doing some crazy, modern, Broncos crap with streaks of green and white all over the place so that the jerseys look like a blindfolded 10-year old went nuts with a paintbrush. They could have some silly airplane on the helmet, or worse... a HESS logo! There's your sacrilege! I think it's safe to say that even Xuxa might have worn her Tuesday undies on Thursday sometimes. It's still better than her switching to boxers. Slight alterations are acceptable, even in their simplest form. To that, I know we can agree.

Well Jung

Brushing up on the Jung this week, specifically about typology – the functions of consciousness. The author was making the point that the parts of our personality that give us the most problems (i.e. stumbling blocks) are the so-called "inferior" functions, the opposite end of our personal dominant way of dealing with the world. He went on to state that those with the most evenly developed consciousness have the least problems and are most efficient. That’s when something occurred to me.

  In Jungian philosophy, thinking and feeling are opposites. Relying too heavily on one or the other will probably yield pain. Consider Dave Schwade (pictured above), Nuclear Scientist (or, if you prefer, Nucular Scientist). Phoney. All thought, no feeling, one eye. Crapping out. However, striking that balance (i.e. Dutie – Computer whiz and emotional Mom) can lead to fine FBH results, even with less than encyclopedic knowledge of football.

  The book went on to say that the best time to see what your "inferior" side is doing is while you are unconscious. During sleep, your dominance inverts. So if you are a waking thinker, you’ll be a dreaming feeler.

  Oddly, that night I dreamed that the Steelers were leading the Hravins when Baltimore, dressed in their dark purple uniforms, made a big play to get back in it. As they do play this week…hmmmm.

Free Association

This is the Commish. GO!

[ Everyone who picked the Cowboys must get on your knees and thank Chad "Top Gun" Hennings for blocking that extra point at the end of the Panthers game thereby preserving a tie.

[ Spotted at the 0-5 Eagles versus the 0-5 Redskins game -- A banner reading: "May the worst team lose!" What wonderful Philly fan pathetique!

[ Quick show of hands. Who misses the so-far-cancelled NBA season?
I didn’t think anyone did.