IN THIS ISSUE:

[  Hit the Snooze Button, Goldilocks – Shaking off those golden slumbers.
[  Claire-ity – You’ll probably find yourself asking:  “Which league did I join?”
[  Are Those Fittings Really Copper? – A mammoth segue if there ever was one.
[  The FBH Channel – Your nearly Schwade-free guide to this year’s action.
[  It’s Just a Fantasy – (whoa ho hu-oh)…Introducing the Leon Hess Memorial League!
[  Week One Happenings – The consensus over here is:  Going for two is always best.
[  Pondering the Jets – What have the Football Spirits got in store for us this time?
[  Week One In Review - Ralph gives us his take on a wild opening day.
[  Extra Points (Rick James Style) – Haven’t they finished, yet?

Hit the Snooze Button, Goldilocks

Like a spring bear emerging from hibernation, I groggily recall the events of this past off-season.  The Stars’ Stanley Cup victory is well documented.  Texans will know of the extreme summer that has hopefully now expired following yesterday’s second rain in 80 days.  The only respite from the oppressive heat has been breeding cats while working with Miss Kimba on her plan to take over the world in the luxury of our new air conditioner, a heavenly trip to Keuka Lake in upstate NY for some R&R with AB and Dave “Call me Agnetha” Baker, hoping Strange Groove will overtake just one of the Shupp Brothers, and the fact that I now know more about “Law & Order” than even Lennie Briscoe, himself.  I haven’t even been able to make it to the golf course three times this summer.  Football has been the farthest thing from my mind.  So Law & Order it is.

Claire-ity

<<Buh-Bum>>  Do doo doo doo doo…The theme that means different things to different people.  Sometimes it makes us cry.  Sometimes giggle and rub our hands.  Sometimes clap.  But one thing it always means is an excellent show is starting.  Quite a long running show, at that.  Over the past nine years the major characters have changed eight times.  That’s nearly as much as M*A*S*H.

 “Oh great and all-knowing Commish,” you say, “how will we know who is who?”  Gotcha covered there.  If John Madden can pick his all-star team every year, why not me.  Introducing the all-time all-Buntman Law & Order team:

 The Order:  Lennie & Logan the chick Lieutenant.  The Law:  McCoy and Claire (Schiff is automatic).

 What can you say about Lennie?  The phrase “warts-and-all” immediately comes to mind.  He sure knows his work and himself, and this helps him sarcastically point out “cell-phone boy’s” hubris-induced errors.  In the “more experienced cop of the team” role, he does have healthy competition in Paul Sorvino and Jesse’s Dad, but he wins easily.

 No contest in the junior detective division.  Chris Noth (aka Det. Logan) is easily cooler than Rey Curtis (even if Rey is muy macho and much bigger in England).  Ben Bratt is dating Julia Roberts.  I rest my case.  I hear there will be a new guy this coming season (as Rey is leaving us) and I hate to be prejudiced, but this guy used to be on Ally McBeal.  Please.

 Lt. Matchup.  That “Dann” guy does look like a NY cop should (and is coming back on the new “Special Victims Unit” series), but the chick is a better sleuth.  Anita keeps good boundaries and isn’t afraid to tell it “like it is” (how ‘bout that…even got in the requisite John Johnson reference in).

  It is on the Law side that we find Claire, the muse of the series, hovering above the other assistant assistant DAs carrying the spirit of the show like a more serious, brown-eyed, brown-haired, intelligent Xuxa.  You know she loves children and animals…and she’d dance to make her point if she had to…dancing would just not be her chosen medium.  Claire’s mere appearance in the opening credits “suddenly makes it all seem worth while”.  But whatever you do, don’t mention the “Planet of the Apes” hairdays or <<ssshudderrr>> her fateful last episode.  As for the rest, Robinette got to be a hero on several occasions, and had Vanilla Ice’s hair, so you had to like him, but he was a crapweasel when he came back as a defense attorney.  And poor Jamie was no Claire.  Angie Harmon is better, but I have limited knowledge of her as I mainly watch the syndicated reruns on A&E.

 Jack McCoy or Ben Stone?  Damn, that’s close.  Kinda like, “Who do you pick:  Aikman or Staubach?”  These two workhorse attorneys lead the charge toward justice every week, just like quarterbacks moving the offense toward the goal line.  In the end, McCoy gets the slight nod since I like McCoy & Claire’s Mentor/Protégée relationship better than the more peer-like Stone/Robinette combo.  Thankfully, they only explored an “extra curricular” relationship with the former pair.

 If McCoy and Stone are the Quarterbacks, Adam Schiff is Head Coach Emeritus.

 Adam Schiff.  A grumpy old philosopher king in the order of Lou Grant, Detective Fish and Todd Meyer.  Every episode, you couldn’t wait until his scenes, carrying the standard hope that he’d have to kick someone’s ass at some point.  He taught us the compassion that lets us see the big picture -- the ultimate goal.  Which, he often reminds us, is found beyond victory in this week’s game.  And that it isn’t.

  Maybe this is more about football than I thought.

 So if the Cops played the Lawyers in a pick-up touch football game, which side would win?

 You’ve got to say the ground game edge would have to go to the police.  They have the only 200+ pound linemen.  But Ray is a fumbler.  Ultimately, I think that the legal eagles would be about seven point favorites thanks to an explosive passing game built upon a tandem of reliable QBs and a strong receiving corps of Claire, Jamie and Paul “the deep threat” Robinette.  And don’t even think about saying: “Wait, girls can’t catch!”  Perhaps not, but they can run, and who’s gonna cover them, Sorvino?

 On the surface, the foregoing diatribe does not appear to be much help to the reader seeking a “picking epiphany” at the dawn of a football season brimming with new possibilities.  Maybe it plumbs the depths of existentialism.  Or maybe it’s just my dementia acting up again.

Are Those Fittings Really Copper?

 Let’s inject a bit of cold reality to snap us out of digression.  Just in case you forgot, we did have our share of tragedy this summer.  I remember the nations on both sides of the North Atlantic standing silent in the wake of the shocking news.  The search for answers to that horrible air accident.  The needless death.  Will it leave a permanent mark?  It couldn’t be true, could it?  But it was true.  While riding a roller coaster, Fabio got hit in the face by a bird.  And now you know the rest of the story.  (Insert radio spot for “True Value” hardware stores here.)

The FBH Channel

While FBH may not seem as important as avian life and death, we seem to like it.  Those of us in the love-beaded-FBH-headquarters are glad you’re here where the worst thing that can happen is a bit of bad judgment, and who isn’t guilty of that from time to time.  (Note to self:  Next year, my top FFB draft pick at running back will not be Ricky Williams.)  Not that a particularly egregious miscue won’t possibly send you to our virtual stockade (where demons will rend your flesh), mind you.

Like many things in nature, FBH has an ever-expanding AssCommish.  (In fact one of these years I predict we’re gonna have to change it to BigAssCommish. Not because Ralph himself is expanding, just his duties.)  So far this year, Ralph tells me there have been several inquiries about how to join, etc.  Check out the rules page for the setup.
 Send checks to Roy at 3104 Somerville Lane, Carrollton, Texas 75007.

 This year’s top prize is the highest in history, $325.  Second place is worth $150, Third $75.  Last place is now up to $50.  In honor of the Stars Number 25 (Joe Nieuwendyk), we are also adding a $25 prize for coming in 25^th.  But the biggest news is divisional quarterly prizes are now $50.  However, you will have to earn it as the divisions will contain 16 contestants and the wild card has been discontinued.

 Make your picks by clicking on the very convenient picks page.  Contact Ralph for player support if you are having problems in this area (in using the page, not with the actual picks themselves).

 We also encourage you to check out the rest of this wonderfully maintained site and the other Ralphworld sites, just don’t look in the underwear drawer.  Please send us anything you want to share, as there is a lot of work to do on the who’s who section.  Otherwise, let us know if you require anything and have at it!

 As always, we have some transience.  Happily, more have come than departed, and our little group now numbers 48.  Bob and Steve Schwade and Sara Esparza are on special assignment and Kenny has been replaced as our celebrity guest by the Dallas Stars’ playoff MVP Joe Nieuwendyk.  Also joining us as FBH frosh are Will and Beth Wong representing Indiana, Pete Blasevick from “The Garden State”, Ken Davis hailing from the Republic of Texas, Scott Connor from New Yawk, and Ardis Kelley from the closest foreign country to the US, our neighbor to the west, California.   We are also pleased to report that rejoining us after five year’s of missionary work in New Zealand is Uncle Bob “Cheech” Marin.  We will have personal info on all parties as soon as possible.

 
It’s Just a Fantasy

 New for this season are a BBH site (inspired by Bob’s initiation of a fantasy baseball league) and a subpage for coverage of The Leon Hess Memorial Fantasy Football League.
  (Hint:  You can ask about FBH, BBH, or FFB but never ask about BFH.)  And anything else we happen to think of along the way.

Week One Happenings

 I think I can safely say that love was in the air at the LBFBHHQ for the opening week of the new season.  The veggies and dip were on display.  The Sunday Ticket.  Laptop with internet connection at the ready.  The Jets and Cowboys each involved in tight games.  Trying in vain to talk some football sense into a blowhard (i.e. Ralph).  And who can forget that eye-opening halftime show (Live sex in the Bunting's Field).

 Week one started not with a bang, but a whimper.  Favorites were a shocking 3-12 and this may have led to some confusion.  Not enough confusion to explain me picking Cleveland, certainly, but I digress.  Our early leaders are our new grooms, Mike "Princess Weddings" Forst and Rob "NFL Photo Guy" Tringali.  I have decided not to bust the chops of everyone at 3-12 as I am not far ahead of them.

Pondering the Jets

What indeed have the Football Spirits got in store for us this time?  Coming off the best season in years that ended in the conference championship game, the Jets had more optimism entering this year than maybe ever before.  But it’s now hard to be hopeful when you think about starting off with major injuries to WR Wayne Chrebet and QB Vinny Testaverde.  My sincere hope is that Vinny’s misfortune will allow us to discover what a wonderful QB Rick Mirer can be.  My feeling about Mirer is he has been saddled with poor teams (Seattle, Chicago) his entire career (sort of like Vinny before last season if you think about it).  Maybe the Parcells System will agree with Mirer (also see Vinny).  Even if Mirer ultimately proves to be no Vinny, at least both his shoes will match (see Tom Tupa).

Week One In Review
(By Ralph)

 The season is off to a flying start, with some crazy action in Week #1. Ask any Jets fan/player before the season, "What's the ONE thing that would dash all Super Bowl hopes for '99?" and the answer would certainly be, "Vinny gets hurt, and is out for the year." Well, our worst nightmares have come true, and it really sucks (pardon my french). Us Jet fans have become accustomed to it being very obvious in Week 1 that the Jetties would not be competing for the Super Bowl that year. Still, that doesn't make this any easier to take. I'm struggling hard to find reasons to be excited about the next 16+ weeks of NFL football, and have cancelled my plans for Atlanta in 2000.

 None-the-less, the season will go on without Vinny as there are about 30 other teams still trying to reach the pinnacle. And if Week 1 is any indication, it's going to be a wild ride. 

 Start with the Comeback Kids in Dallas. Up 14-3, then down 35-14 to start the 4th qtr., they find a way and with a little help from the Redskins special teams (and a sleepy secondary), were able to pull one from their butts in OT.... 

Rocket Runs To Glory

In Philadelphia, fans thought they were seeing the New Eagles (up 21-0), but alas, nothing has changed there as they let the Cardinals sneak back into it and steal the victory.

Is Jacksonville for real this year?? Suddenly THE team to beat in the AFC as they put a whooping on the evil 49ers.

Gotta wonder what we were thinking when 23 of us actually picked the New Browns in Week 1. We must have been fooled by the name, for this is an expansion team. If they were called The Ohio Oranges, do you think anyone would have picked them to win their 1st ever game??

Vikings get revenge, a few months too late

Giants Upend Tampa Bay

 
Extra Points (Rick James Style)

[ Can you believe how incredibly dorky the referees look in those stupid little replay booths?  The enemies of instant replay are vicious obstructionist bastards, no?  They exchange the flow of the game for millions in commercial advertising revenues then claim that (gasp) it is the pursuit of trying to have a correctly officiated game that has wrecked the flow.  Here’s an idea that will solve the replay dilemma for good.  Just do the two things we hate at the same time.  Allow commercials to be shown only during replays and at halftime.  You can be sure every close play will be given extra scrutiny and fan interest will improve as we get the calls right and the flow of the game is restored.

[ Don’t forget that the Miss America Pageant will be held in historic Atlantic City, NJ on Saturday night, September 18^th.  If you just can’t wait, check it out on www.missamerica.com

[ FBH newcomer Will “Some of you may know me as The Cobra Sting” Wong suggests:  “ I know that u have used this system for awhile, but you should make the point spreads on the half point so you will always have a winner. Ties do nothing for the league and make the tie games moot.”Will, any FBH veteran can tell you that The Commish is a purist.  As such, this league wishes to respect the integrity of the tie as part of the larger NFL experience.  Plus, changing the point spreads, even by only ½ point, would create a potentially unfair situation.  Thanks for your comment, and know that this issue has been debated several times in the past. (As has almost every other conceivable issue.)

[ Personally, I’d just like to add that it’s good to be back with you.  I really look forward to football season so we can connect more often.  And with the end of the world coming and all, carpe diem.  Good luck this season!