Ralph,
Nothing But Ralph - Flying solo, the AssCommish tries his best.
RU Serious? - 1 & 9 and feelin' fine!
FBH Recap - Which came first, the kitten or the
Cup?
NFL Happenings - The Week That Was.
Extra Points - A Word From Down Under.
Ralph,
Nothing But Ralph
Commitment. Commitment to excellence? Hardly. I'm more committed to
mediocrity at times it seems. One look at my ability to predict the
outcome of NFL games should prove that out. No, I'm committed to a cause.
A cause that has helped entertain and delight dozens of people for the
last several years. I'm speaking, of course, of FBH. I can recall the days
of waiting each week for that familiar letter from Texas. Anxiously
opening an envelope addressed to Bob and I that at times would have a
special message at the bottom. One day it read, "POSTMASTER: These
Men Pee In The Shower". I can still hear the mailman chuckling to
himself as I stepped out of the house to retrieve that envelope from my
mailbox. But even with that one small secret revealed to the world, it
would thrill me to no end to find my name listed over Bob's in the current
standings (not that it happened very often). And then I got to spend a few
minutes in Roy Bunting's version of the world. Some week's he'd make me
roll on the floor with laughter, some week's he'd make me spit at the
newsletter in disgust. But no matter the content, the only weeks I found
myself disappointed were the weeks when the newsletter didn't come at
all.
Now, I'm not faulting
Roy for these "breaks". Life is what happens while you're busy
doing something else. We all have things that take precedence over other
things. I actually commend him for keeping up with this newsletter as much
as he has thru the years. And no one knows better than I how hard it can
be to come up with original, interesting, amusing, entertaining content
week after week. (I'm experiencing that right now, in fact.) But this is
what an "assistant" does. Takes up the slack when the Boss needs
a break.
No time to write a
newsletter, Roy? AssCommish to the rescue! Get in the lifeboat.
RU SERIOUS?
Okay, so maybe I'm not an alumnist. But I've gotten drunk on campus a few
times and I've attended my share of Rutgers athletic events, even one in
Texas, so I think I can consider myself an actual Rutgers fan. Not being
an alumnist of any other school (except Cranford High and something called
"Computer Learning Center"), and considering most of RU's teams
are as bad as the other teams I pledge loyalty towards, and it's easy to
be an honorary Scarlet Knight (whatever that is). So you can imagine my
delight at last Saturday's stunning upset of Syracuse. Having once
attended an RU-Orangeman game at the Meadowlands and watching Donavon
McNabb run roughshod on the local boys, it's great to see the Scarletmen
extract some revenge. Rutgers hasn't been a powerhouse since the 80's.
Umm, that's 1880's. In 1998 they finished a solid 5-6, after two straight
years of 0-11. 1999 found them at 0-9 and losing most games by 40 points
or more. But there was Rutgers magic in the air this past weekend. Not
just in NJ, but in Foxboro as well.
The Knights held tough and forced OT against the Oranges. Syracuse won the
OT coin toss, and strangely decided to take the ball first. (Under the new
College OT rules, most teams will defend first, thereby when it's their
turn, they'll know whether they need a TD or only a FG to win.) First and
ten from the RU 25, Sacked! A few plays later, field goal attempt is wide
left! Rutgers needs only a FG to win as they get the ball at SU's 25.
First down... pass into the end zone! Rutgers shows some balls, but the
pass is broken up. A few plays later, FG time. The RU kicker is about to
have his first attempt of the season! In fact, he's a second string Senior
who was with the team in parts of '96 and '97 but not in '98. That would
make him personally 0 - 28 while with the team. His kick is up, and good,
and Rutgers pulls off a huge upset while avoiding another winless season.
Alumnus Bob Shupp exclaims, "One and Nine and Feelin' Fine!"
(Spoken like a true Jet fan.)
FBH RECAP
What does it say about
our predicting abilities as a group when the pack is being led by another
of Roy's alter-egos? A couple years back, it was Karl Wallinger who
managed to capture some of the money near the top. This year, it's been
the steady up rise of Joe "Conn Smythe" Nieuwendyk. Joe
uses a formula of Roy's creation to make his selections. And while I know
the results of this formula, I haven't a clue as to how it was derived.
Karl had a formula, as has Mr. Preston and Kenny (from South Park) had
their own specific, yet secret, formulas. Judging from the results, Roy
would be wise to create a formula for himself and go with that instead of
relying on his own knowledge of the game.
Second place finds a
familiar face. Dick "Head Of All He Surveys" Vanek is
once again showing that his knowledge is as big as anyone's who has ever appeared
in an ESPN ad. Finding himself only 1 game behind Nieuwie, the
defending champ has made his usual quiet run to the top of the leader
board, even with a server-outage induced 6-8-1 week this past Sunday.
Hot on his heals we
find Michelle Brown who is making certain not to be considered for
Nippleheadedness. And along with Dane, who may never not have finished
in 4th place before, is FBH Cadet Ardis "Mounds" Kelley.
Ardis is the first FBH'er to have a last name that is the same as another
FBH'ers first name. I tried desperately to get Sheryl Lee Ralph to join a
few years back, but she wouldn't return my calls.
And how about me? I
did mention earlier in the season that I would keep a general FBH watch
on my attempt at a .500 year. Well
in case you haven't noticed, I haven't mentioned it much since. That can
only mean that I am still climbing the hill to reach the magic mediocre
mark. Thru Week 10, I'm on a high ledge near the crest at a mere 4 games
under. The top is reachable, but my foot is slipping and I'm not
confident with my grip. Get the net ready.
This note, along with
the lovely picture at the top of this page,
were submitted by Paul
Kessler.
This would be a
Football happenings 1st as well as my picks should have come early in
the a.m. your time Sunday morning from Sydney Australia.
In a bizarre fluke for
FBH (not a fluke for beartech.com and Microsoft, however) the web site
was not available. Last evening's occurrence gave strong
confirmation against the platform that Yogi's web site is hosted under
and a strong message that Bill Gates should be destroyed. My
second half rally was ended under a blanket pick to Yogi under e-mail
that read 'pick favorites'. Yogi didn't even have the decency to
apologize for the misstep. After dancing around that responsibility
issue his retort was that of sooo many NT administrators that I have
encountered make: 'it wasn't my fault'.....It is because of just
that statement that I replace so many NT servers with Sun/Solaris
servers for hosting mission critical applications
(www.Footballhappenings.com is mission critical, isn't it?). It goes to
show his managerial style of blaming down his chain of command.
SHAME ON YOGI....
I propose his punishment to be as follows: We'll dress him up as
bamboo and let rabid Koalas feed violently upon him... or here's one...
Let's line him up for a Platypus flogging. Singapore vacationers
have been subjected to far more for far less. A nice northern
territory red ant hill might make for some interesting entertainment and
legal satisfaction. I hear also that the Great White frequents
this area. A seventeen foot croc would make for some nice
entertainment... Ooooor we could make him forfeit all of his wins
this week.
As always, a faithful Footballhappenings
servant, I respectfully thank you for your attention in this matter.
Paul Kessler, Sun Microsystems Systems Engineer "We're the Dot in
.com" or "Get a real platform, Yogi"...
