IN THIS ISSUE:

Commish Buttons!
Push them for Extra Commish Babble!

FBH Recap – The plot thickens as the lead widens.
Scattershooting (with Kenny D.)  – Go Kenny!  Go Kenny!
My Dinner With Pete – In search of Michelangelo in the Land of The Borg (and we don’t mean Sweden).
Jets/Cowboys  – All in one column!  The world must be ending soon.
NFL Happenings – Ralph: The other NFL Photographer Guy.
Extra Points – The fastest two minutes in footballhappenings.

FBH Recap

  Steve “Back Door Santa” Ruble has opened a 3 game lead with just 3 weeks left.  That said, there are 12 FBH-ers within 6 games of the lead, featuring Michelle “Peace on Earth” Brown who sits alone in second.  Perhaps the football gods are being kind to them given the current state of their favorite NFL teams.  On the flip side, Ron Hade and Pete “Good King” Blazevick had 5-10 records, dropping them back to darkhorse status.

 Miss Kimba was known to belt out “Middle Of The Road” a time or two during her days with cutting edge rock giant Standard Deviation.  Now she’s living it – smack dab at #25 on the charts (and #1 in our hearts).  FYI, when the final standings are posted, players who have the same record will be listed alphabetically (by last name) to determine who receives “Free Parking” this year.  If “Amber” Dawn drops her last name before the end of the season and ends up in the tied group, I’ll think of something.

 Perhaps because of last week’s column, I heard that the Amber One, disgusted at this year’s underachieving record, decided to try for last place.  Sadly (Happily?) she went 12-3 last week.   Right now Boobie, Sweet Boobie has a one game lead over Genvieve “Joyeux Noel” Tringali, Jr. for “The Dane” (the last place trophy named in honor of perennial FBH piker Dave “Dane” Schwade).

Getting off to a good start in the 4th quarter with performances to rave about, were Dute (12-3), Jeff “Was #1” Sternberg (11-4), Angelo “Green Sleeves” Forgione (10-5), Scott “Rudolph” Conner (10-5), and Mikey “Re” Joyce (Greatly) (10-5).  All are at least near the lead in their respective divisions.

Scattershooting (with Kenny D.)

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Lisa Bonet:

 Oooh, the hoopla leading up to the Jets/Cowboys tilt, I almost can't stand it.  So how's about a little buildup:

 Caught this quote in the Morning News from Dan Marino, before getting pasted by the Jets, on his losing his temper after last week's tough loss to the Colts - "I did it, I have no regrets for it, but I'm sorry that I did it." What?

 Watching Thursday's Raiders and Titans tilt gave me the sad feeling that I was watching the Cowboys play themselves.  The hapless Raiboys missing two field goals, then turning the ball over in the red zone, versus the Tennessee Titboys (careful, that's pronounced TIEBoys) who only passed when they had to, for a total of about 100 yards.  In spite of Eddie George's outstanding performance, this was ugly football.

 Troy Aikman, when asked if he was getting over Michael Irvin's absence from the lineup:  "Heck, I still haven't gotten over Jay Novacek". 

 And did you notice former Cowboy Omar Stoutmire running one back for the Jets against our buddy Dan?

 Elsewhere in the league:

 Fascinating hearing (Rams WR) Isaac Bruce describe walking away with barely a scratch after his scary auto accident last week.  Apparently his car rolled a couple of times after blowing a tire on cruise control at about 80mph.  He said that right when the accident happened he spoke the Lord's name and was "taken care of".  Hmmm, somehow I'll bet at the time it came out a little bit more like this: "JEEE-ZUS!!!!!"

 This just in: Instant replay sucks when administered like it was in the Jacksonville-Denver Monday Nighter. Seems the referee overruled the Brian Griese incomplete pass when replay showed it was in fact a fumble, which Jacksonville promptly pounced on for a first down deep in Denver territory.  But wait!  Because the referee blew the whistle for an incomplete pass AFTER the fumble but BEFORE Jacksonville fell on the loose ball, it became a dead ball, so Denver retained possession. That's impossible!  If the correct ruling was a fumble, no whistle would have stopped play for an incomplete pass.  What's up with that? 

 Lastly, from the hoops world - I've heard a lot of good nicknames for erstwhile Maverick stiff Shawn Bradley, like the "walking stick" and the "preying mantis" (impossible, he preys on no one), but I especially like the one I heard the other day: "Missionary Impossible".

My Dinner with Pete

  Last Friday at the “Annual Excel Computer Christmas Party and General Drunk & Disorderly Fest,” I had the pleasure of having Pete “The Spiritual Ponce De Leon” Knapp as one of my dinner companions, and the further pleasure of having his thoughts on a few subjects he holds dear, including NFL Football.  With his permission, I pass these words along to you, as many have never heard him speak. 

 On the Cowboys, Pete is Pro-Jerry and Anti-Chan.  Pete is an old-fashioned guy, and he thinks Jerry Jones’ qualities of loyalty and all-around-regular-guy-ness outweigh negative adjectives assigned him like “self-serving” and “unpolished.”  He challenged me to think of one other NFL owner who would have gotten into the ambulance with Michael Irvin.  To Pete, Jerry Jones is General Jack Ripper preserving our precious bodily fluids and protecting our essence.

 He also said, and I quote:  “Chan is a catfish farmer.”  By this he zeroed in on Chan’s lack of imagination, lifezest and, in what would become a recurrent theme, soul.  Jerry Jones may not be perfect, but he has soul.   This is the key element.  He talked of driving 180 miles from Wichita, KS to Arrowhead Stadium for the pageantry of Chiefs games and, perhaps more importantly the tailgate party – a sea of red-shirted football disciples roaring beneath a hovering cloud of burning animal flesh and expelled beer can carbonation.   Chiefs fans have soul.

 When it comes to quarterbacks, Pete wants an artist, not a technician.  He likes Elway more than Montana.  And shockingly to me, Pete would take Doug Flutie over Troy Aikman.  Pete feels that not only is Troy not an artist, he has gone way beyond technician.  Troy is The Borg.  He equates Troy Boy with Don Simmons (The Man With No Soul) from “Amazon Women of the Moon” Hence, searching for Michelangelo in the Land of The Borg.

Jets/Cowboys

  Last week’s games went pretty much according to my plan.  The headline in The Dallas Morning News put it well:  “Jets Win Crushes Dolphins.”  Ray Lucas (22-38-230-0 2TDs) easily outplayed Dan “That Prick” Marino (18-39-2 0 TDs) and I almost dislocated my arm patting myself on the back for devising the great Cowboys’ strategy for last week’s game. 

 But back to Sunday’s big preview.  The Cowboys are undefeated at home this season.  The Jets have won four of their last five games.  Jets have only beaten Dallas once, in 1990, by 24-9 at the Meadowlands.  Playoff ramifications for Dallas.  The last time these teams played a regular season game in Dallas, Joe Namath put his white shoes up against Roger Staubach’s white bread.  That 1971 classic saw The Cowboys open a 28-0 1st quarter lead on the way to winning 52-10.  And I’m still trying to work off the hangover from their last meeting, a 28-7 Cowboy victory at NY in 1993 (the only game to ever feature a “Fuck Dallas” chocolate football.)

 Of course, an event of this size calls for the big national TV Game coverage with the top CBS announcing team of Greg Gumble/Phil Simms (or Howard David/Dave Jennings on 660AM WFAN in the Big Apple or Brad Sham/Babe Laufenberg (the other sham) on KVIL 103.5 FM in Big D).

 Deion vs. Keyshawn:  My prediction is the Deion has more success at WR vs. Victim Green than Keyshawn has at WR vs. him.  Legend has it no one throws against Deion, but it is hard to believe that The Mighty Jets will not try to “just throw the damn ball” to their big play receiver.  Keyshawn needs only 16 catches to pass Andre Rison for most receptions in the first 4 seasons.  Wonder Boy Ray Lucas hasn’t been picked in 4 games, but is he up to this?  And look for Wayne Chrebet to shred Kevin Smith on key possession downs.  By the way, Mr. C is only 10 behind Mr. J.

  QB match up:  OK who isn’t secretly hoping Troy misses a couple of series so we can have a slight reprise of the Rutgers/Princeton rivalry with QB’s when Jason Garrett joins (they don’t get more Scarlet than) Scarlet Knight Ray Lucas at QB.  Both Lucas and Aikman are coming off of their best performances of the year.  Aikman’s record is well known, but what of Ray?  For the season, Lucas is now 115-189-1048 with 3 INT, 9 TDs and a 60.8 completion percentage and a passer rating of 85.2. That ranks him 3rd in the AFC and 8th in the NFL. His completion percentage of 60.8 is 2nd in the AFC and 3rd in the NFL behind only Kurt Warner (66.4), Peyton Manning (62.0) and Gus Frerotte (61.0). He has now thrown 130 straight passes without an interception.

 Emmitt vs. Curtis:  Martin has produced 66 1st downs rushing, the most by any back in the AFC and 2nd to Emmitt Smith in the NFL. His 1121 yards rushing are the 4th most by a Jet, trailing Freeman McNeil (1331) and he still has 3 games to play.  Two weeks ago, Martin became only the 4th RB in NFL history to reach the 1,000 mark in his 1st 5 seasons.  Emmitt strained a groin muscle last week in the first offensive series, so we may not see much of him this week.

 INJURIES:  Speaking of the injury bug, here are a couple of quotes I saw this week.  "I'm going to think about all of this (the injury situation) when the season is over. I honestly am. I can honestly say that this is alarming to me because I've never had anything that even came close to this. I mean, I haven't had anything that was even around 20% of this. You wonder about it and will have to re-evaluate it.”  -- Bill Parcells.  “I’m not one of those who believes in luck, good or bad, but I’ve never seen this many injuries, never been  a part of a team with this many injuries.”  -- Chan Gailey.

 Miss Kimba is undecided as to which uniform to wear this weekend.  Thank the Cowboys for always wearing white at home so I will be correct wearing my green Mo Lewis jersey.  I expect a close game, expecting the Cowboys to win, but hoping the Jets do.

NFL Happenings

Jets found someone to deal with all the Scum: Mr. Raymond Lucas

Giants keep their play-off dreams alive by sweeping both New Jersey AND New York.

I can't help but think of Super Bowl IV when seeing this game. Of course, I was 3 years old when it was played. But Boobie and I had an Electric Football Game that was patterned after that Super Bowl, and the original players were Chiefs in red, Vikes in white. Just thought I'd share.

My thanks go out to Jerome Bettis for becoming the first RB to throw a TD pass in FFB, and also to Eddie George for a 24.5 point performance that helped me crush Hoppy Commish as I put myself in place to earn a play-off spot.

Beurlein beats the Pack at :00, Detroit taunts too soon.

Extra Points

[ FYI, for simplicity’s sake, all prize money will be sent out at the end of the season. That means those of you who are delinquent in sending in your entry fee (mainly Ralph’s friends) are still within the grace period.

[ Kudos the G-men!  For the first time since 1970, the Giants swept both of their in-state rivals (Jets/Buffalo) to truly claim the “Kings of NY” title.

[ Boobie, My Man in Cranford, reminded me that Eddie Murray was not a Jet kicker (he was a Cowboy) and I was confused with Nick Lowery.

[ The rumors that Mike Forst had anything to do with the cross-special animal sex featured in last week’s FBH are unconfirmed.  The Commish has also expressed his desire to the LBFBHHQ staff to keep such items on a non-pictorial basis in the future.

[ Happy Birthday to Todd Meyer and to someone who shall remain nameless (you know who you are)!

[ Saturday games this week!

[ The Y2K bug hit the LBFBHHQ answering machine last week.  We have since corrected the problem, but please let us know if we need to update your record.