IN THIS ISSUE:

FBH Recap –Final results! Or are they?
Scattershooting with Kenny D.– KD is back with a vengeance and an excellent scattershot target.
The Home Team Default Debate Redoux– The final word.
The NFL Playoffs – More complex than the riddle of the Sphinx.
J2K - Y? Why not?
Cooling Your Jets – Why is this oddly not surprising?
Final Thoughts – Sending you out into the world with a warm feeling.
NFL Happenings – Stills for your beating heart.
Extra Points – The fastest two minutes in footballhappenings.

FBH Recap

  Staring down the battle of the last full-length FBH of the season has caused columnar thoughts to spring to mind at quite a fertile rate this week. Serendipitously, we have received unsolicited comments from several past, present and future FBH-ers.  So the resulting format may be a bit more disjointed than usual, but if I have done nothing over the years, I have trained you to move between seemingly unrelated thoughts with facility, or at least given you the opportunity to practice doing so on a regular basis. 

 With Ralph still on his Jersey-junket, we have kept you in suspenders for long enough. The week seventeen results are in. It figures that in a year that has featured so few overtime tiebreakers that we end the regular season with several deadlocks in need of resolution.  The NFL playoff games will be the setting to determine if  Mikey “Almond” Joyce (above, on SexyBoy) will win his first FBH Championship or if Todd “Sugar Bear” Meyer will claim his second title in four seasons.

 Third place will be battled out between Doug “Que, Que” Manuel and Tom “Jones” Schwade.

 The Award for Last Place (fondly known as “The Dane”) distinction is truly a “Boobie Prize” this year as it was claimed in commanding fashion by my bongo playing friend Bob “The Father of J2K” Shupp.  Monsieur finished the season a pathetic 29 games off the lead and 7 games behind the closest competitors.  Had Bob picked the opposite all year, he would have finished in first place by two games.

 Was it the clean living?  Whatever the case, the first ever Joe Nieuwendyk “Free Picking” award for 25^th place went to John “The Amateur Chef” Kardel.  Well done, Johnny!

 Divisional races ended in as murky a state as the leaderboard with all contests requiring tiebreaking.  Toddman and Matt “New Year’s Eve” Bashaw will renew their third quarter rivalry in the Mookie Division, Paul “Sara Lee” Kessler, Mark “Itchy Jelly” Vanek, Jody Posey (Puddin’ and Pie) and Audrey “Sample Sale” Vanek will face off next week in the Jackie and the previously mentioned Mikey, Tom, Doug and John will go to extra innings to decide who the leading Little Boy is.

 Point of order:  Tiebreakers will be conducted on a weekly basis until a clear winner is determined at the end of a playoff weekend. For example, if one competitor earns a better overall record in the four games being held this weekend, they win their tiebreaker.  In the case involving more than two competitors, players who do not at least remain tied for best record will be eliminated on a weekly basis.

 Your devoted staff at the LBFBHHQ will continue to update the tiebreaker results and will announce the final money winnings when those results become available. Which reminds me to mention that it is truly time to pay your FBH fee if the task has slipped your mind. This comment is especially directed at the Little Boy Division, the den of FBH delinquency.  Obviously, if you have won money this season, there is no need to send your check as we will net your entry from your skill-gotten gains.  If not, please send your fees to The Commish at 3104 Somerville Lane, Carrollton, Texas 75007.  Effusive apologies, while not necessary, are always enjoyed by the staff.

Scattershooting with Kenny D

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to John Byner:

 Thanks to Roy and Kim for the New Years Day Eve party, we had fun.  And even though Roy couldn't handle his liquor from the night before quite as well as James Howell, I still made no progress when I tried to debate the 'Home Team Default' rule with him. 

 My 2 cents, I fully support the AssCommish’s editorial in last week's column.  If the point of the contest is to reward the persons who most accurately pick the games each week, then you shouldn't be rewarded for NOT picking the games, the holiday weekend not withstanding. Suggestion: persons who choose not to pick should receive the home team defaults with an automatic loss on Monday Night.  I don't care if you select your picks based on your favorite colored jerseys or which team has the best 'tight ends', the point is that everyone should make their picks, it doesn't take that long to do.

 Did you catch Chris Berman's PrimeTime description of the Carolina-Green Bay 'point differential' score-fest on Sunday?  Holy cow.  For those of you that missed it, the Pack and Panthers had a shot at the playoffs that would have come down to a 'net point differential' against NFC teams had the Cowboys lost to the Giants.  So in effect they had to run up the score against the Cardinals and Saints, respectively, in order to make the playoffs.  The result was a scoreboard-watching slugfest of bombs, long returns, and two minute offenses long after the games had already been decided.  The Pack won 49-24, scoring 5 second half touchdowns (3 in the fourth quarter), while the Panthers won 45-13, scoring a measly 4 second half touchdowns. Mike Ditka, not wanting to be left out, went for a two point conversion after the Saints scored in the fourth quarter, trailing by only 32 points. ESPN and Berman did a great job showing a minute by minute recap of both teams scoring, then seeing that the other team had scored, so hastily getting the ball back to score again. Outstanding. Reminded me of the 1960's when it wasn't uncommon to see 50-60 points scored by one team.

 This weeks 'OOPS' award goes to the NFL. Seems they wanted to make a statement against violence by banning the use of the throat slashing gesture by players. Unfortunately, they overlooked the fact that the NFL Properties-sponsored computer game “NFL 2000” includes the 'throat slash' for all 31 teams.

 Lastly, I don't know why DMN sportswriter Steve Davis decided to tell us what Golfer Bill Clinton carries in his bag a couple of weeks ago, but the list seemed to be a little suggestive: {Great Big Bertha} driver, {Tight Lies} fairway woods, and {Fat Shaft} irons.  Or maybe I just have a dirty mind.  (Commish adds:  It is unconfirmed if The Prez also owns a “Bulls-eye” putter or uses “Top Flite” balls.)

 Super Bowl prediction: Indianapolis 34, St. Louis Rams 31.

The Home Team Default Debate Redoux

 

 I had hoped that this issue would die down again without official comment, but after counterpoint on the subject for two weeks in a row,  my job as The Commish calls me to calm the fears of the masses and provide clarity to the unenlightened. 

 First of all, the home team default rule will not be changed.  Selecting the home teams does not provide any sort of advantage (or disadvantage for that matter) over any other method.  Very smart sports betting professionals in Las Vegas eliminate this possibility through the point spread system.  In the long term, the result of using the home teams as a default setting will be the same as flipping a coin.

 This is not to say that anything can happen in the short term.  This includes the possibility that the overall record of the home teams (or any other default setting) will be higher than your best efforts.  It seems we only hear grousing about the HTD issue when there is a hot streak by the home teams.  I understand the frustration that sorry picking can cause first hand, however, one unshakable fact remains:  my picks are solely my responsibility.

 Like Kenny and Ralphie, one of the reasons I enjoy FBH is to see how well I can perform under the pressure of the point spread, and I appreciate the desire to encourage others to participate.  But we part ways on this critical point:  While picking the games every week is part of their definition of FBH participation (as it is mine), picking is not included in everyone’s definition.  One of my responsibilities as The Commish is to protect each individual’s definition of FBH participation.

The NFL Playoffs

  In a year when the top conference seeds can earn home field advantage without defeating any playoff teams (believe it), anything can happen. The road to the Super Bowl does not go through any particular team or city this year.  With the caveat that it is impossible to figure any of this out in place, here are my views on the playoffs and whom to expect at the big party in Atlanta. 

 The NFC: One pretty good rule of thumb when it comes to the post season is experience pays off.  Teams rarely win the big one without having tasted playoff defeat in the recent past.  They have to earn it!  This is why I’m having problems endorsing the Rams, Tampa Bay, or Washington.  Last year conference runner-up Minnesota looks like a good possibility, if of course Denny Green isn’t a factor, Jeff George doesn’t self-destruct or the ‘Queens defense isn’t asked to make a critical stop when the game is on the line. Lion’s head coach Bobby Ross has been to the big one before and has his team ready, but QB Charlie Batch is an unknown at this point.  Of all the starting QB’s remaining, only Troy Aikman has playoff experience.  However, Dallas has yet to prove the ability to win on the road, which is, barring a miracle, where they’ll be throughout the playoffs.  What an intriguing scenario!

 The AFC:  Top seed Jacksonville was a good pick until the injury bug grabbed QB Mark Brunell and OL Tony Boselli and Leon Searcy.  Lest we forget Tennessee swept the Jags and beat the Rams this season?  The Colts look solid and won the title in the best division in football.  But what happens in the playoffs.  The Jim Harbaugh era is a long way away.  Seattle immediately went into the tank after I proclaimed them the new beast of the AFC six weeks ago, and are struggling.  The team with the most heart, The Buffalo Bills, were on a roll until Coach Wade Phillips made the controversial decision to start QB Rob Johnson over emotional leader Doug Flutie.  After working for 10 years for this opportunity, Flutie is understandably crushed and if I were a Bills fan, I would be majorly ticked off.  Perhaps the scenario is Flutie comes in to replace Johnson and rallies the team to a come-from-behind victory.  Look for another mid-game QB replacement in Miami as Dan “That Prick” Marino gets pulled in favor of Damon “Thatch” Huard in Danny’s last game for the scum.  Dave “The Fabulous Phoney” Schwade was recently quoted that he hopes Marino retires.  Ralph predicts that he leaves Miami for his home town of Pittsburgh, PA.

 SuperBowl Match-up:  You can see my picks for the SuperBowl match-up in action this weekend.  On Saturday, my choice for the AFC is Champion is the winner of the Buffalo/Tennessee game.  On Sunday, my choice for the NFC is the winner of the Minnesota/Dallas game.  Does this mean I actually have the lack of mental co-processing (or just the blind loyalty) to think the Cowboys can become the first 8-8 team go all the way this year?  It does sound fantastic, doesn’t it?  But just like last week, Dallas wins those games that no one else seems to want and Emmitt Smith is a stud supreme who is running against a line that is back in business.  Logic tells me Tennessee beats Minnesota in the Super Bowl.  But where’s the fun in that?  So I’m going on record as predicting that Dallas will defend Texas’ honor by beating Tennessee (those traitors) 30-21, and in doing so, indelibly writes its name as “NFL Team of the 1990’s.”

J2K
By Ralph

  J2K. Jets 2000. Upon hearing it for the first time, it seemed like an obvious take-off of the "Y2K" word that we've all grown so sick of, but it took Bob until Dec. 31st to come up with "J2K". And with an impending trip to the Jet season finale on Jan. 2, we decided it deserved to be made into a sign. Trouble was, where to get materials for a sign on New Year's Day? We went to our parents house for dinner that night, and innocently asked if they might have some poster board or something we could paint or draw on. Our Dad did some searching, and all he could find was a piece of poster board, white on one side, bright florescent green on the other side. Perfect! It could have been ANY color. Blue, Orange, Red, etc. but no! It was the perfect green. We went back to Bob's apartment complex, where he searched thru the trash to find some lucky neighbor had received a Nordic Track for Xmas, leaving behind a huge cardboard box, perfect for pasting the green letters on. 

 At the game on Sunday, as Bob attempted to enter the Meadowlands with his sign, he was stopped by security. No signs of any kind are allowed inside. Bob tried to fool the guard into thinking he would return it to his car, while intending only to leave and pas it to me thru the fence, when the guard informed him that that wasn't an option and motioned him to place the sign in the trash bin. Bob pleaded his case, and the guard said, "You tear ass, and I'll look the other way." The New Year spirit was alive and well, as we would learn further on during the day.

 The Jets were winning in the 4th quarter, so Bob and I decided to make the rounds with the sign. You can see in the photo above what I was wearing ("2000" sunglasses, a cardboard "Happy New Year" hat with some Jet stickers I put on it for the game, and my Curtis Martin jersey. Bob also wore the "2000" shades, and a Namath jersey.) Our seats are in the lower level, so we skipped down a few sections, then snuck past security and ran down to the front row, sign hidden. At the first break in the action, Bob stood up, faced the crowd, and held the sign over his head and began to walk up the aisle, with me following behind, waving my arms and screaming, "J2K!", and "Jets 2000", and "Happy New Year!". The people in the lower rows didn't know what to make of us, but we could see in the faces of the fans further up the rows as they realized what the sign said, and what it meant, and how friggin' clever the whole "J2K" concept was. By the time we got to the top of the aisle, the fans were cheering us wildly and those in the aisle seats were high-fiving us as we made our way up the stairs. We were the Happy New Year Jet Fans!

 At one point, as we snuck past the security guy at the top of an aisle checking ticket stubs, Bob was ahead of me heading downward when I was stopped from behind and asked to see my stub. Of course I had no stub for that section, so I played dumb and pretended to search for it while Bob kept on down the stairs with the sign. I was patting myself down when some fan was coming by, and seeing that I was trying to sneak down, pushed his stub into my chest, "Here take this..". I never saw his face. I turned and handed the stub to the security guy, who looked at it, and let me go down the aisle. What a cool thing for that fan to do for me! The spirit of the season was in the air alright. 

 It was a total rush each time, so we decided to keep going. We moved another few sections over, snuck past security, and did the same thing. Each time, the same reaction: nothing at first, but as we moved up the stairs, the fans caught on and were high-fiving us all the way. We did this about 6 or 8 times as we made our way around the entire stadium. "Jets in 2000" had a nice ring to it. It spoke of hopes and dreams for next season. How were we to know that "Y2K" would effect absolutely nothing throughout the entire world, except our coaching staff??

Cooling Your Jets

  The giddy feeling of optimism those boys must have shared with 70,000 plus at The Meadowlands on Sunday is a stark contrast to the dumbfounding events that unfolded in Hempstead over the past week.  With the resurgent Jets finishing winning 7 of its last 9 games and a QB situation morphing suddenly from “disastrous” to “downright strong,” hopes for not only a top-notch 2000 season culminating in a playoff berth, but a strong run at the Super Bowl abounded in Jetland. 

 Sadly, the Jets coaching staff was not J2K compliant.  My thoughts have searched for answers.  Obviously Bill Parcells did not want to risk the dismantling of his coaching staff that may have happened if Defensive Coordinator Bill Belichick was hired away by New England.  NE forced the issue on Monday by firing its coach, Pete Carroll, and asking the Jetties for permission to speak with Belichick.  Parcells countered by resigning as coach (remaining solely as GM) and promoting Belichick.  The problem is, with the team for sale to an undetermined buyer, no one knows just what the head coach (or GM for that matter) will have the authority to do.  Belichick, having suffered through similar circumstances during his tenure at the first incarnation of the Cleveland Browns, balked. 

  My present counsel to Jetfans is to show patience.  It is a long way until the start of training camp.  Parcells has pledged his loyalty to the team – a squad that gave him a serious vote of confidence in the second half of the season.  This too shall pass – something will be worked out.  One thing is certain, we have learned the value of having an elite football mind like Parcells and Jetfans do not want to go backwards from here.  The new ownership will have the opportunity to immediately impact the team’s future and ingratiate itself to the current fanbase.  Perhaps the implicit message from the two Bills is that the new owners had better not take them for granted, and allow them to retain control over what they have built over the past three years – or else it could be a trainwreck of a franchise.  Let’s hope cool heads prevail and we end up with a quiet owner who understands “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  

 And to whoever buys the team:  SIGN MO LEWIS!!!

Final Thoughts

 First and foremost, thanks to the LBFBHHQ team.  To Miss Kimba for her constant spiritual inspiration and for telling me when my jokes are not funny (something she evidently needs to do more often).  Thanks to Kenny D.  for database development and for sending along his scattershooting contributions on a consistent basis this season (even if his opinions were wrong 75% of the time).  A big gracias to Senor Yogi for hosting the website on his server.  Finally, a heartfelt “Where would we be without you?” goes out to our beloved AssCommish for minding the cyber content, finding those excellent action pictures, and chipping in more than occasionally with commentary (for accuracy percentage: see Kenny).  Spectacular work one and all!

 Naturally, thanks to all this year’s contestants are in order.  We always get marvelous input from you and your involvement gives us a chance to throw out snippets of things to see if any of them stick with any of you.  It’s great to be able to go from coast to coast or from north to south and find one of you.  FBH is a community, and it is made richer by every one of you. 

 Before I go off to seek clarity for next season, please take with you my best wishes for a new year full of possibilities and opportunity.  I hope you find worthy challenges and the empowerment and vision to fashion a world where all the things you hold important can co-exist.  And I hope that the energy we all feel at this time of great progress will propel all of us to wonderful achievement.  Love and peace to all this year!

NFL Happenings

Jets finish strong. Go 7-2 and beat Miami, Dallas, Miami again, and Seattle (all playoff teams) in the final weeks of the season.

Oakland works overtime in KC to be the spoiler of the Chiefs hopes.

Cowboys march on the Giants, arrive in playoffs.

Tennessee and Buffalo are ready for the playoffs. Are St. Louis and Indianapolis ??

Extra Points

[ Hey Jetfans, which was scarier:  “The Blair Witch Project” or “The Blair Thomas Project?”

[ The FBH staff has a pool on the purchase price of the Jets.  Guesses are:  $650 million – Ralph, $750 million – Roy, $820 million – Kim.

[ Speaking of the sale of sports franchises, did anyone notice Ross Perot, Jr.’s shrewd strategy in selling his share of the Mavericks?  This could become a new trend.  He paid in the neighborhood of $150 million a couple of years ago and did relatively nothing with the team except maintaining a very low payroll by NBA standards.   But Perot is not a sports guy.  He is a real estate guy.  What he did do was develop the new downtown arena project and, once that was said and done, he packaged the whole deal to an eager buyer, Internet billionaire Mark Cuban for $280 million.  Ka-ching!

[ The Leon Hess Memorial League’s Championship game was played last week and needed MNF to decide it.  Kyle “Blondie” Paterson led Rob “Mr. T” Tringali, Jr by .46 points going into the SF/Atl game with Kyle starting RB Byron Hanspard and Rob’s hopes riding on an aging Jerry Rice.  In the end, Rice came through and NFL Photographer Guy was crowned champeen.  In the consolation round, Boob Shoop topped Cobra Boy for third place.

[ Uncle Rich was the author of a typewritten letter that found its way to the LBFBHHQ recently.  Among the comments were:  “…The Giants/Jets game was the real low point of the season.  Being blown away by a team with an offense that couldn’t fight their way out of a beauty parlor, was the most humiliating of defeats.” And: “The Jets’ win over the Marino Dolphins was delicious.  The victory over the Cowboys was very delicious.”  Also: “…The Cowboys aren’t the same team they used to be, and that’s the point.  The same argument applies to the other teams – they aren’t what they used to be, in some cases they are much better.  The Jacksonvilles, Indys, Titans, and Rams are on top of the NFL world.  The old powerhouses of The Vikings, Niners, Packers and Cowboys are at the .500 level or below.  Today, injuries, salary caps and contracts play a major role in shaping a team’s destiny.  No longer are one or two teams dominating the league because they are three deep at every position with star caliber players.”  He closed with some optimistic words for the Jets’ 2000 season, but while he acknowledged the uncertainties of life with new ownership, no one could have predicted the coaching fallout we are now living with.

[ In the “Look what the cat dragged in” category, I received this email from Mr. Chris Hull, with whom I have not crossed paths in many moons.  The subject line read simply:  Chris Hull’s right to enter FBH.

 LOOKING AT YOUR PERSONAL BIO PAGE, I SEE YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC STILL SUCKS.  AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE NOW A COWBOYS FAN? QUESTIONING YOUR ROOTS?  AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TRADED MICKEY "SUREHANDS" SHULER FOR JAY NOVACEK? ABDUL SALAAM FOR LEON LETT?  LANCE MEHL FOR KEN NORTON JR? RANDY RASMUSSEN FOR NATE NEWTON? JOHNNY "LAM" JONES FOR MICHAEL IRVIN?  PLEASE. 

 YES, YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME IN THE PAST BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS. PLEASE  CONTACT ME AT JBLAKEPINKNEY.III.COM; NO, THAT'S MY OTHER ADDRESS, AT LORIHULL@ENTER.NET (MY WIFE WEARS THE PANTS).  TIL THEN, GO VIKES.

[ Although Canadian Provincial law will preside, it will be interesting to see how the $27.5 million (Canadian, roughly equivalent to $350 US) lawsuit brought by disgruntled Ottawa Senators season ticket holders against hold-out star Centerman Alexi Yashin proceeds.  On Wednesday, a superior court judge ruled that the suit can proceed, although the laws in this area are “relatively undeveloped.”

[ Gee Whiz!  Can it really be six years age that the Gillooly gang made its infamous attack on Nancy “The Ice Queen” Kerrigan?

[ Thanks to everyone who attended the January 1^st party.  It was wonderful to see all of you and great fun to celebrate the arrival of 2000!  Next time, golfing party!

[ [This is Ralph!] Bob Shupp has done FBH a great service by buying himself a scanner. The unending resource of pictures that could come from him promises to be a wonderful thing. I've already secured some great photos from him and more are on their way. Check in with us over the coming weeks for updates and the possibility of new items of interest. We'd like to continue to update this site on a limited basis thru the Spring, and maybe even get around to updating the Who's Who pages <wishful thinking>.