Vol. 4 Issue
1 -- Aug. 23, 2000
Pre-Season
Issue
Football Happenings
(or “All the news I can think of”)
IN THIS ISSUE:
[ Salutations! – A warm welcome from the Commish.
[ Briefest of 1999 Recaps – Mikey: W Boobie: L
[ FBH2K – The annual overview.
[ Stopping the Madness – Controversy, Schmontroversy.
[ Shiny Happy People – Trophies! We’ve got Trophies!
[ NFL Happenings - New Uniform Fashion Show.
[ Please, Please…We Need Your Help! – An open appeal for content.
[ Dennis, Anyone? – A bit of doubles with Steve R.
Salutations!
Hello again everybody and welcome back to Football
Happenings!
Wow, has it really been a year? Or perhaps I should say: “It has really been a year!” since so much has happened since The San Luis Rams topped the Nashville Tight ‘uns by one slim yard in Super Bowl XXXIV. Bob and Ellen got engaged. Tommy got engaged. Ralph got a tattoo. Jame and Kelly got a dog (soon to be much more). Dick sold his company and upgraded partners. Uncle Ken retired for the third time. The Juggernaut had a reality check as his eldest daughter graduated from high school. The Stars got through the Avalanche before the Devils proved worthy champions (more on that next week). And, oh yeah, Kim got serious about changing the world.
So much change. Yet, every year when September rolls around, you can always count on curling up with your PC to connect with your FBH cyber-family.
Last year, you’ll recall Mikey “Almond” Joyce defeated 1996 FBH Champ Todd “Oscar” Meyer in triple-sudden-death overtime to earn the title of 1999 FBH Champion. Tom “Jones” Schwade claimed the third place prize and Bob “Boobie” Shupp finished last. While many of our competitors found the going a bit rough last year (what with the end of the world happening and all), we had a .507 overall winning percentage which was the second best in FBH history.
Where would the mystery be if we didn’t have some new stuff planned for this, our 16th season? The crack staff at the Love-beaded FBH Headquarters has updated all the pages to make things sparkling and clean, more technologically advanced, and easier to use. Look for the following as you peruse the different departments:
[ Notice that Ron “Giant Boy” Hade has partially avenged his 1994 second place finish by passing Dute “Lord Percy is missing!” Ruble in lifetime winning percentage.
[ Yogi “Mr. Beartech” Yeager still has the most lifetime wins. We have got to fix the bug in our standings spreadsheet!
[ Is Jody “Rosy” Posey wearing any clothes in his Who’s Who picture?
[ The Vaneks must believe the old adage that “The family that plays together, stays together.” After 12 years, Dick, Jeff, Audrey and Kim are separated by only three games.
[ Check out your Who’s Who page to see what kind of trash we are laying on you. We have actually updated some of them and plan to update the rest soon.
[ Realize that you need to send in an updated/more flattering photo.
[ Find Waldo.
[ Tom Jones Schwade.
[ Check out some of last year’s comments. The Commish’s favorite from 1999 was:“Hello. My name is Bob. I have a problem picking NFL games. Would you please help me? I am a good person. I just need some help. Is this a two-week program? I've never been to rehab before.”
NEW FOR 2000...!!
[ We have a new mascot for 2000!
[ FBH Classic. We will revisit some classic moments of FBH past!The entry fee is still $25 and, as in the past, the prize amounts will be announced sometime during the first quarter of the season. Please send your entry fees in now to avoid the Christmas rush. (The LBFBHHQ is located at 3104 Somerville Lane, Carrollton, Texas 75007.) Please see the rules page for details.
When you sign up this season, you will be asked what your “default” setting will be. This means if you are held hostage, join the cast of “Survivor,” have “fallen and can’t get up” or cannot make your picks for some other reason, you will have already picked and I won’t have to deal with calls, e-mails or postings from naysayers (see “Ralph”) and cynics (see “Ken Davis”). Some suggested default settings are: Favorites, Underdogs, Alphabetically first by city, Alphabetically last by team name, Eastern-most team, ROYGBIV by uniform color, Visitors, and the ever popular Home teams. Or feel free to make up your own. Mr. Preston, Karl Wallinger, and Joe Nieuwendyk all seemed to do pretty well with that idea in the past. (NOTE: “Winners” is not an acceptable default setting.)
The LBFBHHQ staff is pleased to announce the establishment of two trophies to represent our annual awards. First, all past and future FBH Champions will receive a handsome refrigerator magnet bearing the FBH logo with the year of their victory. Andy “AB” Halstead will be the only FBH’er receiving two (for 1988 & 1993). And yes Dad, we are going back to 1986 so you’re covered.
Secondly, the LBFBHHQ staff has created a traveling last place trophy, also in the form of a refrigerator magnet, to be known henceforth as The "Dane” in honor of Dave “Dane” Schwade. This award is so striking that the holder will almost be proud to display it. The "Dane” consists of a golden Great Dane’s head and was acquired at Caesar’s Palace in the second home of sports betting (behind the LBFBHHQ, naturally), Las Vegas, Nevada.
While some of you may be feeling a sense of relief, naming the award was really a slam-dunk as Dave’s remarkable record speaks for itself:
[ Most last place finishes: Three. (1995, 1996, 1998)
[ Most second-to-last place finishes: Two (3-way tie). (1992, 1993)
[ Worst record for a single season: 97-142-1 .406 (1996)
[ Lowest lifetime winning percentage: .467****(Please note that last year as a FBH rookie, Scott Conner had a .464 winning percentage. Competitors are typically required to have completed three seasons before being considered for overall records. In any event, the LBFBHHQ staff fully expects Dave to reclaim his rightful place at the end of this season.)
In fact, when Dave finished 4th in 1994, it launched a full-scale investigation.The LBFBHHQ Staff is proud that Dave has allowed us to make this rotating award his namesake. If you wish to see The Dane in person, you will have to visit the home of Bob “Dane Holder” Shupp, where it will be adorning his refrigerator until the end of the season when it will be shipped off to the next last place finisher. Unless…
This is Ralph, Go!
Some of you may know of my love for uniforms. Bob Shupp says I can spot even the slightest subtle change in a team's uniforms within a few seconds. He's right. (Anyone else notice the Saints shrunk the insignia on their helmet for 2000?) It's been an obsession for me since childhood, when all you know to root for are the uniforms you like the best. I was a Vikings fan as a kid for this reason (I love purple!). We may even open this topic up for discussion during the season. Maybe a vote on best/worst uni's and/or helmets. (C'mon, you know you have opinions on this subject!) In that vein, let's take a look at this year's changes...
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Can anyone recall a time when the World Champion changed their uniforms for the season they defended the title? I can't. And this is a team whose uni's hadn't changed since 1974! Must not be any superstitious people in the Rams organization.
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Oh My! I can see the steam coming for the collar of Ron "Jersey Giants" Hade. Sorry Ron, but I like the new "old" Giants look. I like the gray pants and the red numbers and especially the numbers on the front of the helmets. (BTW, has anyone else realized that every year, the Steelers keep the numbers OFF the front of their helmets in the pre-season, only to have them back on there for Week #1?) The obvious snub by the Giants of their REAL home state (NJ) is duly noted here. I should be offended, I guess. But I'm not a Giant fan, and I personally snubbed NJ for Texas, so I'm not one to talk. Plus, I don't mind thoughts of Ron Johnson, Tucker Fredrickson, and Norm Snead going thru my head when I see this retro look. "NY" indeed.
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Denver started the awful trend of the underarm colors, and now New England and St. Louis have followed suit. I don't think I can spew enough bile to show my distaste for this new style. (Hey, I'm a poet, and I didn't realize it. Or something like that.)
Please, Please…We Need Your Help!
(Caution: The following section contains mental images that some readers may find disturbing.)
At first glance, Ralphie looks like any other lad – playful, maybe a bit shy, so full of promise. But if you look deeply into his eyes, you can sense the fear he carries with him every year as fall approaches; the dread that comes from wondering where your next story is going to come from.
Hello, I’m Sally Struthers and I’m happy to say that, thankfully, there’s usually enough content to go around. Standings are a reliable, if limited source of filler. Then there’s the nauseating babble from the Commish. And the pictures – thank God for the pictures! But what about those all-too-frequent weeks when The Commish goes on a bender and is not seen or heard from? What then?
Imagine the living nightmare that one day there won’t be any articles to publish and FBH will be blank. Imagine being in Ralphie’s place, set to face unbearable public ridicule and painful scorn while living with a conscience bruised by the knowledge that he let down the very FBH family that was depending on him. You can see the metaphoric flies on his spirit right now.
But you, dear reader, can make sure little Ralphie never has to go to bed with an empty website again.
By committing to write just one FBH article this season, you can make content worries a thing of the past. All you have to do is send in your thoughts – they don’t even have to be football related – one time over the next four months, and the LBFBHHQ Staff will do the rest.
Your contribution of 300 words – that’s just 2 ½ words per day! – will mean so much to Ralphie and those like him. We have already received generous and thought-provoking input from Steve “Mahatma” Ruble (please see our next section) and Pete “The Man With Soul” Knapp (slated for week one) and a commitment for a future article from Jeff “Avs Boy” Sternberg.
So please, help us help Ralphie, won’t you? Thank you and God bless you.
Embodying the philanthropic spirit we just spoke of, this comes from Steve Ruble:
Whoa! The long and painful wait for Dennis Miller was worth it after hearing, just within the first half of last nights game, the words genitalia, regurgitation, and coccyx; and all used appropriately in sentences capable of being parsed by even the most grammatically challenged. As of four weeks, Dennis Miller's photograph had banished Dame Edna's to the refrigerator, since he now occupies the wreath of honor above the guest commode.
It looks to be a refreshing year with ABC finally succumbing to the unstated but understood concept that the owners and players (insert Deion Sanders here) have been painfully force-feeding the fans for years: Sports is entertainment. No more. No less. There is no deeper meaning here than a Dennis Miller punch line.
I am convinced this is what Dennis Miller was born to do. God be damned if I'm wrong, but it's too late to look back. Damn the torpedoes. It's time to remove the nipple rings and throw oneself into the mosh pit. God help us all.
This is the Commish, Go:
Could not agree with you more, Steevo. I have always liked Dennis Miller's style, and he has more football "fan" knowledge than most sportscasters. What I mean by this is not an enormous comprehension of X's and O's; what I mean is he is an intense football fan. He knows the players, records and history. Like Chris Berman.In a three person booth, it makes sense to have the play-by-play guy, the technical expert (who understands exactly what it means to be a player i.e. ex-pro player or coach), and the superfan (someone who can help relate the experience of the game to those at home).
I dare say Dan Fouts, while he is a Hall of Fame QB and (at least) a good color commentator, does not understand "being a fan" like Miller, or like us for that matter. He watches a game like Dan Fouts, John Elway or John Hadl would. It's just a different perspective. And Miller can provide our perspective in spades. He's articulate, smart and funny. He would be a fun person to watch the game with, and that's what we'll be doing. He will also reach the more casual fan because the games will be more accessible, and he'll keep more TV sets tuned in during the inevitable MNF 33-0 games.
P.S. You forgot "Bivouac".
[ In a quest for basic info on each member of the FBH family, we have posted a short Information Form. We encourage EVERYONE to take a few seconds and fill it out. Call it "FBH Census 2000"
Until
next week, from the love-beaded FBH headquarters,
it’s little kisses, little kisses and ciao ciao! -- Buntman, et. al. A
