Vol. 4 Issue 2 -- Sep. 5, 2000
Week One

Football Happenings
(or “All the news I can think of”)

IN THIS ISSUE:

[ The Season in Preview - We're just getting too organized.
[ The Week In Review - All past sins are forgiven in FBH.
[ NFL Happenings - Ralph's Pulitzer-winning photo journalism.
[ Guest Column - Pete Knapp's futuristic view on The Cowboys.
[ Extra Points - The fastest two minutes in Football Happenings.
[ Newly Added Page - History of NFL Team Nicknames

The Season in Preview

  The staff at the LBFBHHQ is proud to announce that there will be 55 active members of our FBH family this season. I hasten to add "welcome back" to our alumni and extend a special welcome to our newcomers: Tom Bunting (my Cousin from NJ), Brandi Snider (Tommy Lee's Fiancée, Texas), Cap'n Dom (Local legend from NJ and Ellen's Dad), Jill Danko (Matt Marcus's fiancée, Texas), Chuck Cannon (works for Mister Yogi, Texas), Andrew Meyer (Son of Todd, Texas), Chris Hull(maybe) (CHS football expert, NJ), Jim Dodaro (college chum of Bob and Roy, PA), our first International member Mike Hogg (also our most random competitor - too much of a story to print here; we'll put it on his member page - from Scotland) and this year's special celebrity guest, Aimee Mann.

 This season marks the return to FBH competition of our first champion, Steve "Mighty" Vanek. He was king when we had just the original six team league... Waddya say we give him a dose of life after expansion this season!

We also wish good things for last season's competitors who did not physically join us for 2000, but remain in spirit: Jody Posey, Ardis "I'm going over to a winning team this year" Kelly, Pete Blasevick, and last season's Grand Marshall, Joe Nieuwendyk (no, not Grant Marshall).

Amazingly enough, it looks like we'll have five divisions this year...

Right. Since that's all worked out, the prizes work like this...

First Place $400
Second Place 200
Third Place 100
Last Place 50
25th Place (Free Parking) 25
Divisions ($25x4x5) 500
Administration * 75
Total Fees ($25x54) ** $1,350

* The administration fee pays for domain name registration, postage for snail mailers and office supplies for the AssCommish. True, if he didn't sniff so much white-out this amount would be less. I'll work on him.

** In exchange for all his efforts, Ralph's entry fee is waived. (Fear not, Ralph has NEVER won any prize money.)

 Since the divisions are smaller than they were last year, it will be easier to win your entry fees back. The tradeoff is: winning the division only pays $25, compared to $50 last year. Then again, first place is a record $400!

 Just a reminder, the "Joe Nieuwendyk Free Parking Award" goes to the person whose name is 25th on the list after ranking by winning percentage and alphabetically among ties at the end of the season. One subtle change for 2000: FBH'ers who win money during the season (i.e. quarterly division prize) will be ineligible for the Free Parking award. If the 25th person does not qualify, Free Parking goes to the next lowest qualifying person.

 This would be a good time to remember to send in those entry fees. Ralph tells me the address of the LBFBHHQ is now posted on the "Rules" sub-page. Also, for those who haven't, please fill out the FBH Census form. 

The Week in Review

  The wonderful thing about a new season is the opportunity to begin anew with clean slate. Two of the best opening day scores were turned in by two guys in serious need of renewal, Bob "Dane Holder" Shupp and Scott "Dane 1st Runner Up" Conner. (Incidentally, if for any reason Bob cannot complete his reign as Dane Holder, Scott will take over.) They are tied at 11-4 with FBH Cadet Cap'n "and Tennille" Dom who is off to quite an auspicious start. One game back at this early stage are Andy "Whitey" Halstead, Mister Yogi and The real Dane.

 Nine of us were not as fortunate, and now stand 3-12. For now, let's spare them the public ridicule of listing the names here, however, I will remind everyone that Ralph has (once again) done a wonderful job of displaying the standings including stats for the five divisional races on the "current standings" subpage.

 Comments for this week were far too varied to comprise one coherent paragraph. (When's the last time I put one of those together anyway?) So rather than fight it, all the nauseating babble from the Commish for this week will be found in an expanded Extra Points section.

Guest Column of the Week

Pete Knapp weighs in with these ponderings on the 2000 Cowboy campaign:

  Hi Don, Can the Borg rewind the clock? - that is the question. Can we live in the past and perform in the present? Einstein had a notion of the truth - you must bend the universe. Do the Borg have the necessary technology? Is the addition of a speedy new spaceship the answer? If you run fast enough in place, does the universe move around you? Can you disregard your opponent's speedy spaceships and still get to the Super Planet first? Can you leave your largest cargo ships in dry dock and expect to have energy enough for the final push? If you bend the universe, do you bend reality as well? - hmmm. Predicted record: 8-8.

 In fairness to Pete, he wrote this well before week one's debacle vs. Philadelphia. Right now, I think Dallas Head Coach Dave Campo would jump at the chance to be 8-8.

NFL Happenings

It's good to see BUNTING back in New Jersey.

I'm starting a collection of Pittsburgh QB sack photos.

Can we please get a penalty for "Excessive Celebration" BEFORE a TD?! Did you see Desmond Howard's little goal-line taunt? Disgusting. Soon we will see the return of the FunBunch who will do their routine inside the 5 to avoid the penalty.

Take a look at this photo taken this past Sunday. Now, imagine Ken Stabler fumbling forward to Dave Casper in the early 80's. Eerie aint' it?

 
Some recent random NFL happenings were eerily
reminiscent of the 1975 C.W. McCall hit song "Convoy":

"Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Big Ben, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Big Ben, fer shure, fer shure. By golly, it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon. Yeah, that's a big 10-4 there, Big Ben, yeah, we definitely got the front door, good buddy. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy... "

"Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June
In a Kenworth pullin' logs.
Deion tacklin' Keyshawn,
And Michael Irv-on
with no clothes on."

Extra Points

[ Poor ol' Michael Irvin. Sunday was supposed to be his first day of work at his new job, but instead he ended up being "mistakenly" arrested after being discovered by police buck nekked with a twenty-something female acquaintance. What a buzz killer! My first reaction was: "Michael's innocent because that's not his usual M.O. There were no serious drugs on the scene and where was the second girl?" This, my friends, is more than just "bad luck". I hope for his sake he can get his head together before it's too late.

[ Anyway...If Michael Irvin was a wide receiver, what's he doing trying a naked bootleg?

[ Three cheers for whoever decided to "Put the meadow back into The Meadowlands" by installing natural grass at the home of the Giants and Jets. The NFL should make it mandatory in all stadiums. Let's get the Vikes back outside!

[ Boobie predicts more fans will be running onto the newly raised field surface. We'll have to watch this development.

[ The Jets looked enticingly good at Lambeau Field in week one. Shades of 1998? In week two they'll face the rival NE Patriots. Funny we had so much "Tuna Bowl" talk in past years and now, no word of the "(Beli)Chicklets Bowl" this time around. You can keep the hype; I'll just settle for the win.

[ Regarding the AssCommish's comments on the NFL Uniform changes: It was refreshing of the Rams to change uniforms rather than cities. Actually, it's sad to see them drop the classic ram's horns on the shoulders, but at least they kept the lucky helmets. I don't like the new version of the old Giants uniforms. The home whites look like faded 49ers outfits and the sparkly blue on the helmets might work for a banana seat, but not here. But the old-style "NY" logo is aces. I'm also in favor of numbers on the front of the helmets. Cool. The Patriots? Who cares? They have always struggled with their uniforms. Maybe Mel Gibson on the side?

[ Ralph also mused that it was curious that San Luis was apparently not superstitious about changing their threads after winning the Lombardi Trophy. But according to NFL rules, the Rams had to submit their request to change uniforms before last season started, well before anyone knew they would be any good, much less NFL Champs. So the change is merely a coincidence.

[ Many kudos to Ralph for his off-season words on the occasion of Dan "That Prick" Marino's retirement. I understand the concept of missing a worthy yet hated opponent after they are gone. But, in this case, to me, that's kind of like pining for the good old days when you had an excruciating case of the clap.

[ Speaking of which, Shawn "Champagne" King is making an early bid to replace SeaScum-boy as my least favorite player, with Sunday's redoux of the infamous "fake spike" play in last week's game. At least it was against the Patriots. Come to think of it, with Keyshawn joining them... and they do play in Florida... hmmm... I may have to start hating the 'Bucs right now. I do admire Tony Dungy and Warren Sapp, but they are playing with fire...

[ Speaking of opening day trickery, "hats off" to Eagles Coach Andy Reid for calling the season-opening onsides kick. Very astute move also requiring major huevos. Maybe that play was the signal of a new era in Philadelphia...

[ Once again the NFL scheduling gods are shining on me. The only weeks in which the Jets and Cowboys play simultaneously are weeks one and twelve. On second thought, I'm not so sure that this is a good thing.

[ As a weekly feature (AKA Commish's cosmic spewing) and since I have not updated my personal page since the Reagan administration, I am going to list ten artists who are worthy of your consideration along with album suggestions to get you started. My apologies in advance for redundancy to those I have already tried to influence. You should already have a serious idea who will be on for week one. In no particular order...

• The Cardigans ("Life" "Gran Turismo")
• dada ("Puzzle" "dada")
• Joe Jackson ("Look Sharp" "Night and Day")
• Lemonheads ("Come on Feel" "Car Button Cloth")
• Aimee Mann ("Whatever" "Bachelor No. 2")
• World Party ("Goodbye Jumbo" "Bang")
• Air ("Moon Safari")
• The Sundays ("Reading, Writing and Arithmetic" "Static & Silence")
• Catherine Wheel ("Adam & Eve")
• Beck ("Odelay" "Midnite Vultures")

[ Happy Birthday wishes to Dick "Bad-Ass Pilot" Vanek who celebrates on the 8th and Terrell Howell whose big day is the 7th.

[ Bob and Ellen have announced their wedding date of November 3, 2001. Mikey Joyce and Ardis will tie the knot Oct. 21, 2000 in Pasadena, CA.

[ As you know, we have been working on the who's who pages. Thanks to everyone who has sent in pictures and census information. A special good citizenship award goes to Yogi "Mister Yogi" Yeager for his efforts on his page.

[ User notes on the "Make Picks" page pulldown menu. After you select your name, your name will appear in blue highlight. If you use your scrolling mouse while your name is still highlighted, it will change your selection. To avoid this, click away from your name before you scroll. Also, we changed the order so players are now listed alphabetically by last name. For example, Dave Baker is now first. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

[ FBH Classic Moment this week is the picture of George Young at the top of this page. George originally appeared in the Season Opening Issue of August 1995. In that issue, Roy also mentioned the "Lucky Helmets in St. Louis!" The more things change, the more they stay the same. [Ralph]

[ Finally, I would like to dedicate this season to Mookie, Jackie and Little Boy who passed away during the off-season. They will be missed but will always remain in our hearts.

Coming Next Week:
New Mascot Unveiled !
Plus: "Guess The FBH'er" !!

Until next week, from the love-beaded FBH headquarters,
it’s little kisses, little kisses and ciao ciao! -- Buntman, et. al. A

Site design by Ralphworld
This site created on 4/29/97