Vol. 4 Issue 6 -- Oct. 6, 2000
Week Five

Football Happenings
(or “All the news I can think of”)

IN THIS ISSUE:

[ The Week Five Review - FBH love finally finds Ralphie.
 [ Was I Brain Dead, Or What? - Jeff "Eddie" Sternberg pays off a bet.
[ The Devils Went Down To Dallas - Ditto for The Commish.
[ 0 for 81 - The end of an error.
[ NFL Happenings - Closed captioning provided by Ricky.
[ Extra Points - The fastest two minutes in Football Happenings. 


The Week Five Review

  It finally rained in Dallas yesterday for the first time since the Carter Administration, and the temps were actually below 60 for the first time in recent memory this morning. The question is, will the march of our latest North Texas weather front usher in fresh energy to make picking any easier? One can only hope.

 It's also good to see some unfamiliar names at/near the top of our leaderboard. Bob "Bluesman" Shupp and Tommy "Hilfiger" Shiflett share the top spot, while some guy named "Ralph" is either the beneficiary of some sort of cataclysmic cosmic uprising or our webmaster/record keeper has finally lost his moral value system and is fudging the stats? No, it's completely legit. Ralph claims he owes his early season success to making his picks on Saturday night instead of his usual 11:59 am CT Sunday morning mad scramble to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and make his picks before the NFL kicks off. He's in good company up there with the likes of Mikey "FBH Champ" Joyce and the newest FBH sensation, Cap'n Dom. 

 The now coveted Dane Award is being hotly contested in the FBH cellar by Dawn "My FBH history speaks for itself, I have nothing more to prove" Ruble, Pete "I had no computer for the first few weeks of the season" Blasevick and Todd "What the ?? I almost won this stupid league last year by sticking with the Home Teams and now I'm in last?" Meyer. Just remember folks, it's cooler in the basement.

  Double-digit winners from last week were Jill "My real name's not" Marcus, Ellen "Mellenhead" Raimondo, Rob "Cliffside Crusader" Tringali, Jr. and Angelo "Birthday Boy" Forgione with 10-4 and Brandi "No relation to Patty" Snider and John "Swami" Kardel who used a Magic 8 Ball to make his picks last week, no kidding. Ironically, John has been pondering going for last place lately, so this could be viewed as somewhat of a setback.

 Since we're only one week into the 2nd quarter, I'll dispense with the individual divisional standings. We did have our only first quarter tie resolved last week, so we can talk about that. If you heard a great "popping" noise on Monday, it was none other than the sound of Ralph's head finally coming out of his ass. Yes, sports fans, in his 10th season, our beloved AssCommish finally broke into the money. Is this the seventh sign of the apocalypse? I don't know. Couple this with the Jets' 4-0 start and it makes you wonder if life as we know it is coming to a sudden end.

 This would also be a good time to compare the overall divisional records. They may have lied about being "The Outdoor Type," but The Lemonheads Division leads with a .531 winning percentage, followed by the dada clan, a bit "Puzzled" at .501, The Cardigans are losing their "Favorite Game" at .497, The Joe Jacksonites are "Cha-Cha Loco" at .492 and The World Partiers are still trying to find their (Strange) Groove at .487. 


Was I Brain Dead, Or What?

  In honor of this week's start of the 2000-2001 NHL regular season, we have two hockey-related articles. The first is by Jeff "Eddie's Better" Sternberg, and the second by Roy "Marty's Better" Bunting. Jeff is a staunch Colorado Avalanche fan and Roy's hockey allegiance has migrated to the Dallas Stars. For the uninitiated, the Stars/Avs rivalry has developed into one of the league's best, largely a result of the high degree of talent both teams possess and their healthy respect for the other team's ability.

 Jeff and Roy made a bet on last year's Western Conference Finals, with the loser required to write an article for FBH praising the victor. It was a tight series throughout, with Dallas winning an emotionally charged game 7 at Reunion Arena; a game I was proud to see in person. So, without further ado, here's Jeff: 

 Man, what was I thinking?.. I can't believe that I had the audacity to question your insight into the Avalanche/Stars series last year. Call it arrogance, but I thought the Stars/Avs series was named after me. As it turns out, you are "THE MAN" Roy. After all, you are so well known here in the Rockies that our goalie wears your name on his back to honor you.

 I have to give you credit, you knew your shit. I didn't think your Southstars had a shot in hell of knocking us off, in reality it was our shots that all went to hell. We beat you guys up physically but you still hung tough and in the end wore us down. No doubt, your goalie way outplayed us and you deserved the win, mi amigo.

 Ok, that should about cover my obligatory groveling per our bet... now the reality check.

 The problem we had was just that there aren't nearly as many iceholes up here as down in Dallas, and when it comes right down to it, we just couldn't keep up with ya'll. The most amazing thing about a Stars game is how Hitchcock can get to the bench without falling through the ice.

 I couldn't believe they had to call in security in game 7 to restrain a woman behind the Avs bench.

 I am so confident that the Avs will beat up on the Stars this year I will offer you one more shot at me, and to be nice, I will give you the advantage. I will add up the scores for the Avs the entire year, and you can multiply all the Stars scores for the entire season...highest total wins, you name the wager.

 Really though Roy, congratulations on the win last year, I'm sure we will see you there again this year.

 So, do you think I should take the bet? Sounds like if Dallas can go without getting shutout all year, I'd be in good shape. Thanks, Jeff for being such a good sport.


The Devils Went Down to Dallas

 Confidence no doubt buoyed by the thrilling Campbell Bowl victory, I tempted fate by challenging Monsieur Robert (AKA DevilMan) to the same bet on last season's Stanley Cup Finals. Since I'm writing this today, you know The Devils wrested the Cup from The Stars in the end. Here's my little piece to achieve closure. (Note to reader: insert <<bah...bah, bah!>> between verses for maximum effect.)

The Devils went down to Dallas;
they were looking for a Cup to steal.
They'd won in '95,
but could they survive,
a battle with the Champs for real?

See they found themselves down to Philly.
It was pretty bleak at three games to one.
When they leapt to their feet
with a three-game sweep.
And Stevens left Lindros stunned.

Their goalie was a dude named Marty,
a big-time loose puck getter.
But they had to take heart
'cause around these parts,
the fans say: "Eddie's Better."

Now The Dallas Stars were ready,
with Niewy and Hatcher and Mo.
They had earned that Cup
and had their minds made up
that they weren't 'bout to let it go.

Fire on the mountain! Run boys, run!
Devils took game three 2-1!
The chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough.
They won again in game four! No child, no!

So Dallas went north reelin'
after losing two straight at home.
And the Devils were primed
to take it in five
and knock them off the throne.

When they dropped the puck the next time
nobody could foresee.
When it was all said and done,
Dallas would have won
in Triple over-T.

Game six was back in Texas.
And The Stars were gaining steam.
If they could just hold serve
they'd have the nerve
to be the better team.

But the Devils would strike first that day
on the strength of a short-handed goal.
But just like The Kaiser,
Keane got the equalizer,
and both teams searched their soul.

Sydor went off with a gamy leg
And Hatcher hit Sykora bad.
And for the second straight time
it was overtime
with a championship to be had.

Fire on the mountain! Run boys, run!
Elias passes out to the hired gun!
The chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough.
Arnott puts the puck in! No child, no!

When it was all finally over,
the Devils stood tall on the brink.
They played with pride
and they didn't hide
when Dallas threw the kitchen sink.

It was a great day for New Jersey.
A heroic victory in which to revel.
For McMullen and Lou,
and all those who
join the chant of "Let's go Devils!"

Fire on the mountain! Run boys, run!
All hail the Stanley Cup Champions!
The chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough.
Stevens won the Conn Smythe! No child, no!

Fire on the mountain! Run boys, run!
The Stars will be back in two thousand one!
The chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough.
Get the Cup back now! Go Stars, go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The Gretzky"

You can learn more about the amazing New Jersey Devils, the fearless Dallas Stars and all the rest at http://www.nhl.com/cupcrazy2000


0 for 81 : The End Of An Error

This is Ralph. Go!
 I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't love football. I'm sure when I was 1 or 2 years old and I didn't know what football was or what love was or what anything was, I didn't love football. But ever since then, I've loved football. I think I learned how to read from reading books about football. And from the time I was maybe 12 or so, I've been trying to predict the outcome of almost every NFL game that's been played. As teenagers, Bob and I would pick all the games each week and keep track of how we did against each other and an idiot sportswriter for the Star-Ledger named Dave Klein. (Dave had a tendency to 'pad' his stats thru the season. We noticed a few times where his win-loss record didn't match the sum of games played.) I still have our weekly picks from the years 1978-80. (I went 122-111 in 1980 and Bob went 123-110 in 1978.) I used to do fairly well picking games. I liked to think that I knew football.
 About the age of 17, Ron "Giant Boy" Hade invited me to join a football pool he helped run at his work. It cost $2 each week, picking all the games with spreads, 1st place wins the pool for that week. It would be my first attempt to win money on my NFL knowledge since the time I lost 50 cents betting on my Jets to beat Miami in the 2nd grade. My first week in the pool, I won. It got me about $40. I was thrilled. The next week, I won again, and the prize was higher. His co-workers got suspicious. To throw them off, I waited until my fourth week to win for the third time. I netted over $150 in just 4 weeks. I felt like Jimmy The Greek, only not as much of a scumbag as he was. But the winning wouldn't last. In fact, I played each week in that pool for the next few years, and never won again. 
 Soon came along Roy with his magical FBH. Bob had been in Roy's pool for a couple years, as well as still picking against me and Dave Klein, before he invited me to join. The lure of spending $25 once instead of $2-$5 per week on a pool I had already given back all the money I had won from was enough for me to switch. That was 1991. In my 9 years prior to this one in FBH, I have never won any money. Never came in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd. Never won a division quarter or even a wildcard. Never even finished Last or 25th. Over 9 years, that's 0 for 81. Here's how it breaks down.

 I Failed to... 

 That adds up to 81 chances to win money. My best season in FBH was 1997, the one and only time I have finished with a .500+ record. At 116-113-11 it was nothing to brag about, but I'm sure I did anyway. I complimented my horrific 1995 (103-133-4) with an even worse 104-135-1 in 1996, my worse season ever, before the '97 turn around. 

 But it's over now! I've made it thru the rain, as Barry might say. It took an extra week to do it, but the new millennium has brought upon me a division quarter victory. I have torn down the goalposts in my living room (being careful not to hit myself on the head again) and tore up chunks of the rug in joyous celebration. 1 for 82 never felt so good!! The Streak is over! Long live the Streak!! Will it be another decade before I profit again from my "knowledge" of the NFL?? Most likely. But the love will go on. 


NFL Happenings


New Referee signal? Junior tries it out.

 


Muggings! Denver has ball stolen, Kitna has job stolen.

 


Late FG heroics for Dallas and Indy


Extra Points

This is The Commish. Go!

[ Autumn is here, and TV is now the rich and fertile world it is supposed to be again. A few tips from the LBFBHHQ are in order. Everyone knows about "The West Wing" on Wednesday nights - but it's worth the investment. Getting the feeling that we can change the world on a weekly basis is a wonderful soul kiss.

[ Encore's Mystery Channel is running "The Avengers" weeknights at 8PM Eastern. Seeing this show again now reminds us of how far ahead of their time Steed and Mrs. Peel were. Time for Uncle Rich to get cable.

[ The Sci-Fi channel now has "Bat Tuesday" containing six back-to-back episodes of the classic "Batman" series starting at 8PM on Tuesday nights. Holy Prime Time Knockout!

[ Did anyone notice Rutgers getting stripped of any shred of dignity by Miami last weekend? The 64-6 massacre was the worst home loss by RU in 112 years. That being said, there are not many teams that were playing football in 1888. We are the birthplace of college football, let's just hope we are not also becoming its deathbed.

October 9 would have been John Lennon's 60th birthday. Why don't we all give peace a chance next Monday in his honor?

 

SPORTSCHROME
Crazy Fan Of The Week

 

Until next week, from the love-beaded FBH headquarters,
it’s little kisses, little kisses and ciao ciao! -- Buntman, et. al. A


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