In This Issue:

This Week's Standings
First Place Is Not Enough

In an attempt to gain further control of FBH, Ken "I am in charge" Davis not only sits in a tie for First Place, he also contributed heavily to this newsletter while Roy is on the Vanek Love Cruise (also known as Mark Vanek and Hope Hines Wedding / Honeymoon Cruise of the Caribbean). How all those Vaneks are going to make picks for Week #10 while at Sea remains to be seen.

Joining Ken at the top spot is Andy Halstead, while Mikey "Triathlete" Joyce and Pete "Yet another Juggernaut?" Knapp are only 2 games behind the leaders. Honorable Mention of the week goes to Mike "SF Giant-boy" Hogg who turned in a near perfect 12-1-1 Week #9. The only thing Mike did wrong last week was pick the Vikings and root for the Giants in the World Series.

Division Races

We have more money-winners as we've reached our official half-way point. Pete Knapp declares himself the biggest Boozer, while Mike Hogg uses his 12-win week #9 to take the money and run in the Plunkett division. Jim Dodaro, possibly inspired by 3 quarters of Rutgers Football excellence against Miami U., held on to the top space in the Snell division, and Danny Andren took the Maynards, even with a 5-8-1 final week. Still up for grabs is the Namath division, as Angelo and Roy(!) need to go to week #10 to decide their tie.

It seems every year we have a very close race to decide who/what is YOUR favorite costume. This year was no exception. Also sticking to tradition, a Schwade is among the top vote-getters. Every costume got at least one vote, 12 costumes received more than 5 votes, and each of our Top 4 received more than 10 votes. Tying for 3rd Place, with 10 votes each were Bob American Idol and Mrs. Cap'n Dom with her Idol, Tino Martinez. Finishing a close 2nd Place, with 12 votes was Dave Kwan?. And the 2002 Halloween Costume Champion, finishing with 16 votes, is SongeBob ShupPants !!
Many thanks go out to Dave Schwade who made excellent use of a digital camera while at Bob's 40th Birthday Bash a couple months ago, and got me the photos about one day before I set out to make the costumes. And also to Dolores Conner who sent me the photo with which I got Scott Conner and Ken Brown's heads. Special thanks goes out to Bob Shupp for always managing to make the perfect face for the camera, so that I can use it against him at a future date. I could have made an entire issue of Bob costumes, but had to limit myself to the 4 different costumes he appeared in this year.

I got some good anonymous comments along with the votes, let me list them here:

"SpongeBob is the winner, although both American Idol entries were outstanding, and I've had sexual thoughts about my brother for days now."

"I know that photo of Bob and Kim is altered. No chance Bob has a size 26 waist!!!"

"I realized, looking at the photo, that Tom Schwade would have made a wonderful speed skater. His unique anatomy--women call him 'Tripod'--would have given him excellent balance, even on the short track."

"Hey, Was that a cameltoe on me??"

"Fantastic! I also checked out Tom Jones-Schwade from last year, which is beyond preposterous--it's postposterous!"

Wanna check it out again? Click Here

Emmitt Breaks The Record
with Kenny D.

Greetings all, Ken Davis here. I’m filling in for Roy while he and Kim are on a much-deserved vacation. I had to be in attendance when Emmitt Smith broke Walter Payton’s record last week. I’ve been going to games since Meredith, Hayes and Lilly and putting up with Jerry Jones’ bullcrap for what seems like longer than that. The scalpers loved this game because it combined Emmitt’s push for the record, Chad Hutchinson’s first start at QB, and Darren Woodson needing 2 tackles to break Lee Roy Jordan’s Cowboys team record for tackles; plus it was the only game of the year where they could make a buck on the pathetic Cowboys.

The things I enjoyed most about the experience:

[ Even though he may have lost a step, Emmitt was the old Emmitt throughout the game, scratching, clawing, cutting, and spinning for every yard behind a horrible patchwork offensive line.

[ Emmitt’s crying on the shoulder of former teammate Moose Johnston, who cleared the way for him for so many years. It truly reflected what kind of man Emmitt is - selfless, a team player, and humble. Emmitt even admits that if Barry Sanders continued playing that the record would be his instead.

[ Everyone close to Emmitt color-coordinated their clothing as a show of support and unity. All his family members wore tan clothing of some sort, Moose wore a tan suit in his assignment for FOX Sports, and Michael Irvin sported a tan “ensemble” which if it had more color to it would have made him an honorary member of Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts’ Club Band.

[ Darren Woodson broke Lee Roy Jordan’s all time record for tackles, a moment that didn’t receive nearly the attention it should have due to Emmitt’s push for the record. Woody has been a stalwart, stand-up guy for years, and has played hurt more than any NFL player I can recall.

[ I had enough cerveza to really enjoy the moment but not too much that I didn’t remember it the next day.

The things I enjoyed least about the experience:

[ Darren Woodson was fined $75,000 for a “helmet to helmet” hit on Darrell Jackson in the fourth quarter. With due respect for Darrell Jackson and the Seahawks, this was one of the most ridiculous calls I’ve ever seen. There was certainly no intent to injure on the play, simply intent to separate a receiver from a floating pass at a critical juncture of the game. More on this later.

[ Seattle kicked the winning field goal with 30 seconds left in the game. The Cowboys got the ensuing kickoff with 25 seconds left and no time outs. After the kickoff the Texas Stadium home stadium music played the “Mission Impossible” theme song. I’m not kidding.

[ Cowboys clock management. Nuff said.

The crazy season continues. The Bay's rule (Green is 7-1, Tampa is 7-2). Cincinnati finally wins a game. The Jets can put themselves back in the race for the AFC East with a win on Sunday Night. Oakland started 4-0, 0-4 since then. Only 6 teams in the NFC are over.500, and only 5 in the AFC are over.500. Parity is back in style in the NFL.

Chad is the Jets future. Might we see the Powder Blues again in the future?

Packers make it 7-1, can they be stopped?

Jacksonville breaks out the Black pants, now let's put them away

It takes a big man to stop Michael Vick

San Francisco held the ball for the final 16 minutes of the game against Oakland, leaving the Oakland fans feeling blue.

Extra Points
Fastest 3 minutes in Football Happenings

This is Ken, Go!

Is it just me or are the referees more and more frequently using the “lack of indisputable evidence” cop-out to not overturn instant replays? It seems like every week there are a couple of calls that on replay look to be clearly wrong and the referees don’t have the guts (or other body parts needed) to overturn the call. It’s sort of like the “lack of indisputable evidence” that kept O.J. out of prison.

The Cowboys offensive line woes continue. The latest - Jeremy McKinney underwent angioplasty surgery for a clogged artery this week and is out indefinitely. Playing in their offense would give me a heart attack too.

The Cowboys/Lions game last week was one of the ugliest games I’ve ever seen. Had there been another game on local television at the time I would have switched the channel. A couple of times during the game FOX ran a promo: Coming Next: and the subject was Punts and the second time More Punts. Hardy Har Har! True, there were 19 punts in the game, and fittingly the punters names were Filip Filipovic and John Jett.

At one point the game was so bad that Pat Summerall predicted an interception by Joey Harrington on the next play. It didn’t happen, but have you ever heard a commentator predict an interception? I’ve heard a lot of ‘that should have been intercepted’ but never ‘I feel an interception coming on this next play’.

When Head Coach Dick Lebeau of the Bengals guaranteed a win against the expansion Houston Texans last week, it seemed a bold if not stupid move. But the winless Bengals backed it up and thrashed the Texans. Nonetheless, I will go out on a limb and guarantee that Dick Lebeau won't be the head coach of the Bengals next season.

Not a good weekend for Throwback Uniforms as both Notre Dame and the Chargers were smacked down. But if I’m San Diego, I go back to those uniforms permanently.

I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of the truck commercial featuring Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock”. Seems like that spot has been running for 10 years.

Last but not least – the latest controversy in the NFL is the ongoing attempt by officials and the league office to protect “defenseless” players from hits “with intent to injure”. The fines are getting heftier every week. Where’s Dick Butkus when you need him? I would like to propose a simple solution for this problem – outlaw helmets in the NFL. Whereas it’s currently a 15 yard penalty to remove your helmet while on the field during a game, reverse that rule so you get 15 yards if you put your helmet ON. From this point on helmets can only be used as fanny rests and coaches will have to forego headsets and use naval signal flags to call in plays from the sideline. What do you think?

Note: The opinions expressed in this column do not reflect the opinions of Football Happenings (FBH), its management, or any of its subsidiaries. Accordingly, FBH has no more editorial control over such content than does a public library, bookstore, or newsstand. Any opinions, advice, statements, services, offers, or other information or content expressed or made available by third parties, including information providers, subscribers or any other user of FBH, are those of the respective author(s) or distributor(s) and not of FBH. Neither FBH nor any third-party provider of information guarantees the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any content, nor its merchantability or fitness for any particular purpose.

Overtime!
Roy Speaks Before He Leaves

This is Roy, Go!
A couple of quick hits before I’m off on holiday…

[ The amount of the Woodson fine is totally outrageous. True the helmets touched on the play, but Woodson led with his shoulder and that’s where the brunt of the hit happened. True the other man was injured, but there was no intent to injure, only intent to break up a pass completion. The fine should be commensurate with intent.

[ My feelings about his predecessor notwithstanding, you’re not going to hear me complain about new Mets skipper Art Howe as a man. I’m very pleased with that choice. Now if we can just get Jesse Orosco back as hitting coach. Last night on ESPN classic, I saw him produce an RBI in the bottom of the eighth inning in game 7 of the 1986 World Series in his 10th at bat of the season.

[ As Ken Davis’s suggestion, I watched some of “The Bachelor” last night. The show does not make logical sense. On one hand, we have multiple women growing attached to a man they know is dating on a progressively serious basis. On the other, we have one man pledging his affection for multiple women at once. Isn’t this the kind of behavior people get lynched over? And do we really want to be promoting this “oh, I hope he picks me” sort of female objectification as an example to our young women? Is this mainstream American culture or a sociologic freak show? Maybe the show ought to be called “The Mormon.” As much as they try to spin this, the guy has no credibility or clue to what love is. The sick part is, the women all believe his feelings are genuine. I sincerely hope this is a just an aberration. Next thing you know, we’ll be “ho-ing” our friends out to the electronics store salesman for $50 off of a new car stereo.

[ Incredible work again this year by Ralph! The slightly too big heads always produce a laugh for me. And despite his ridiculous position that Roger Moore was the true James Bond (we all know differently), he’s doing a very fine job on the web site.

[ Noticeable absence in the FBH Halloween contest, David Eckstein as A.B. Halstead or vice-versa.

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Thursday, November 14, 2002 0:42 AM

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