In
This Issue:
Final
Standings
The results are in!
It’s
a rare season that contains such high excitement levels generated
by both the NFL playoff races and the FBH standings races.
Aside
from two wild-card round exceptions, the NFL playoff games have been
as close and competitive as any years in recent memory. And the two
Super Bowl teams, New England and Carolina, are not the flashy NFL
spokesmodel-types; they are survivors.
While everyone
was swooning over the offensive potency of Kansas City or Indianapolis,
the Patriots trotted out their equivalent of the NHL’s neutral
zone trap and kept winning ballgames.
And no one
figured Carolina had a chance to win with a squad that was marginal
last season and hardly contained any household names. Surely, Favre,
McNabb, or the Greatest Show on Turf would be the big story, not those
guys.
This just
in…defense wins championships. Why do we keep forgetting?
Despite
my Super Bowl matchup I’m sticking with my original opinion
that the AFC champ will defeat the NFC champ, so give me the Pats.
As my super-special prediction, I expect they will win comfortably,
by more than the 7 spread. Despite New England’s M.O. of scoring
one more point than their opposition, I’m afraid, we’re
going to have a fairly lopsided game this year.
But why
are you asking me? I finished in XX place, a modest XX games behind
our champion. You know, if he keeps it up, one of these days we’re
going to have to start respecting John “Stewart”
Kardel’s picking abilities. (Or should that be John
Kordel Stewart?) Our 2003 champion led for a large
part of the season and showed consistency throughout. Muchos kudos,
senor. You are a Man among Women.
Yes, Women.
The fairer sex "ruled the roost" in 2003 as John barely
took the title over Sonya Morgan “Fairchild”,
who garnered second place thanks to some bold, risky and inventive
picking down the stretch. Brandi “Chastain” Shiflett
carried on the burgeoning Shiflett tradition of contending for the
top spot while husband and 2000's champion Tommy
slumped. Beth "Better than Will" Wong took
the hard to swallow No. 4 spot, and thus comes away with no cash,
while Mrs. Cap'n Dom, who fought valiantly with JPK
all season, and Michelle "Charlie" Brown,
the only person to be in the Top 5 every single week of the season,
finished in a tie for 5th place.
But the
most heated contest was for last place. It took three extra weekends
to break the tie and, in the end, last place, the prize money and
possession of the coveted Dane award goes to eight
year old Zack “Thomas” LeDuc who edged
out sixty-eight year old Alex “Trebek” Bunting.
FBH really is fun for kids of all ages.
Fourth quarter
wins were posted by Scott Conner (Puzzle), John
Meseck (A.H.F.), Tom LeDuc (El Sub.), and
Kelly “dadastalker” Howell also rallied
with a Q4 victory (Dada).
Best percentage
for a division was A.H.F., with a pretty ugly .498
winning average at 10 games under .500. While not an official division,
the FBH Mothers did very well with a .518 winning percentage. No surprise
in this, the Year of the Female.
Click Here
for the whole list. Congratulations to all the winners!!
Singing
for my Super(Bowl)
Two weeks to think about it
The
“I can’t stand it that there are two weeks between the
conference championship games and the Super Bowl” whiners are
at it again this season. I’ve thought about it from both sides
and, to me, the only point that even registers on any sort of relevance
scale is people get used to football every Sunday, only to have to
suffer through a barren weekend before the big game. (Okay, I can
live without the extra week of hype, too, but one can always watch
reruns of “Quincy M.E.” instead of ESPN2).
Sorry,
there’s much more to it than that. The bottom line is we want
to see the best game possible, and the extra week gives that more
chance of happening. (Plus, delayed gratification is sorely underrated.)
Today’s
NFL is much more about entertainment and, as such, requires much more
outside the locker room from players and coaches than it did, say,
twenty years ago. Coaches are expected to analyze game film, develop
a unique game plan on both sides of the ball, then practice their
squads to a fine point of preparedness. This is hard enough to accomplish
on a normal week. But if you add media day and extraneous tasks like
finding Uncle Fred and Aunt Wilma tickets to the “NFL Experience”
to trying to plan to defeat a conference champion, the extra week
is quite necessary. Plus, we want to see the players in their best
possible condition, so the extra rest and recuperation time is helpful.
One thought
I’ve heard circulated is to move the Pro Bowl to the currently
vacant Sunday. I really don’t care when that game gets played
or if the players from the Super Bowl teams are in it, but it’s
not really fair to players who want to spend extended periods in Hawaii.
Plus, when will the All-Madden special air?
The other
fun about the two weeks is there is so much hype, by the end of the
second week, people, having exhausted the likely scenarios, will become
convinced of the most ridiculous possibilities. Remember a few years
ago when this syndrome hit and people actually thought Denver would
beat San Francisco? (Final score: SF wins 55-10.)
Hey, Super
Bowl Sunday is a modern feast day – a truly American spectacle.
For what else would someone schedule a pay-per-view TV event comprising
of women in lingerie playing football to correspond with halftime?
As such, it deserves proper care and feeding. Give it time and room
to breathe, already.
Ralph's
Rebuttal: I HATE the two-week gap between the Title games and the
Super Bowl. These teams play from Sunday to Sunday for a full 5 months
to get here, they don't need the extra week off. And statistics show
that the SB's with NO off-week are more competitive games than those
with the standard week off. Look at the College New Year's Day bowl
games, where those teams get a full month off between their final
game and that game. More often than not, the game itself is one-sided,
boring, and anti-climactic. One week is PLENTY of time for all the
silly hype and excitement. I'll gladly trade an extra week of hype
for a more exciting Super Bowl game. But, that's me... call me a whiner
if you will.
Cool Yer Jets
Mama's don't let your Jets move on to the Cowboys
Carolina’s
Super Bowl berth coming on the strength of a good defense and following
off season free agent signings of a quarterback and a running back
have local Dallas wags wondering what might have been if Jake Delhomme
(Jake “The Man”?) and Steven Davis were wearing blue and
silver stars this season rather than Quincy Carter and Troy Hambrick.
Since the subject is open, armchair GMs are debating the coming off-season
with Dallas finally having some salary cap room to play with.
Many, about
40% by my unscientific polling, agree with our man Jame
who says Quincy should be out of town by sundown, but almost everyone
agrees Dallas doesn’t have the running back corps to make a
deep playoff run.
With the
right supporting cast, I think Quincy can shepherd a winner under
the Parcells system and the upcoming class of QB free agents, now
that Peyton Manning is off the market, is headed by the likes of Jay
Fiedler and Jeff Garcia both of whom combined and soaking wet still
weigh less than most defensive tackles. In other words, my pulse is
not exactly racing.
Actually,
I’m banking on another year of steady improvement from the Q,
but don’t you think he’d benefit from watching the action
a little more and maybe some veteran support/advice? And what exactly
is the plan if he gets hurt? Resurrect Gary Hogeboom?
Wouldn’t
Vinny Testaverde fit in? True, Vinny is a hundred years old, but he’s
still in remarkable shape and he is a Parcells guy. Rewind to the
beginning of the season and it’s plain that the Jets have moved
on in their offensive scheme to the point that Vinny can’t be
plugged in effectively if Chad Pennington gets knocked out of the
lineup. The Jets also have up-and-coming Brooks Bollinger entering
his third year who can move into the backup role. More shocking things
have happened.
On to running
back, where, lo and behold, Curtis Martin is heading into free agency.
Curtis was with Big Bill in New England and with the Jets. Curtis
Martin is not just a Parcells guy; he’s practically the man’s
son. The Jets have been leaning more and more toward using current
backups Lamont Jordan and Jerrold Sowell and may be reluctant to sign
a 30-year old running back with above average mileage to a long-term
deal. I personally think the Jets would be making a mistake not signing
him but, hey, stranger things…
Now to wide
receiver…The Cowboys have been consistently embarrassed by the
amount they overpaid for the privilege of having Joey Galloway’s
650 receiving yards and 3 TDs per year, when he’s healthy, that
is. Expect him to be gone next season. Terry Glenn and Antonio Bryant
have been adequate, Glenn as a possession receiver and Bryant as deep
threat (in Bryant’s case this is largely theoretical since he
is still learning to actually catch the football), but they really
need a go-to guy.
Now before
you start talking about Terrell Owens, just stop. That punk-ass has
disrespected the Dallas team and signing him would be akin to blasphemy.
True, the Cowboys need a large, physical receiver and, yes, Parcells
can handle a player with that big of an ego. Wouldn’t it be
nice if that big ego had taken a few big hits and the player had something
to prove and needed Big Bill to bring out his best (a la Terry Glenn)?
Let’s
all say it together…“Key-shawn…Key-shawn…”
Then again,
Bill let Keyshawn go the last go-round, but I think the environment
just might be right for it to work this time.
Yes friends,
RB Ritchie Anderson, DE Eric Ogbogu, OL Ryan Young and KR Michael
Bates are just the start. Let’s just hope it works out better
than it did for the Redskins.
Free
Joe Namath
Let's toast the original "Bachelor"!
Perhaps
this isn’t going to sound very politically correct, but FREE
JOE NAMATH! By now, everyone either witnessed it firsthand
or heard about his Sunday night meltdown on the Meadowlands sidelines.
Drunk Joe slurs and stammers his way through a question from sideline
pro Suzy Kolber and, by the time the interview is over, he’s
asked Suzy for a kiss not once but twice. A week later, he apologizes
and Suzy accepts and says, “Let’s move on.”
Now,
inexplicably, Joe is appearing on ESPN, admitting he is not an alcoholic
but that he has what is only vaguely described as an “alcohol
problem” and he’s not talking about Mr. Macaluso’s
seventh grade science lab. Why is the man being persecuted?
I say,
“The whole thing is HORSESHIT!”
Look, let’s
be clear, I don’t think there’s any room for harassment
of any sort. But everyone who was watching that broadcast knew Joe
was loaded after about five seconds of his on camera time. Hell, it
was a reunion of the all-time Jets team, what do you think was going
on all night, Jenga? Yet ESPN didn’t live up to their professional
responsibility and cut the interview short. Had they done so, end
of story.
True, America
has a set pattern about such things. Screw up, admit to a problem,
get help, get absolution. There isn’t going to be any lasting
damage out of this for Joe. In a way, it’s already forgotten.
This might
sound callous, but friends, I want my Broadway Joe with a scotch in
one hand and babe on his arm, joking and acting like a little bit
of a bad boy, not some de-clawed old housecat made to publicly apologize
for accidentally pissing on the shag carpet. For tens of thousands
men, Joe’s swagger and celebrity was masculinity when we were
growing up. It was what we aspired to be. Has Oprah-mentality taken
over so far that we are we about to throw that all away to make up
for a harmless offense just because man bashing is au courant?
The dark
secret behind this might just be team management might have been behind
the entire public relations spin. The thought is disgusting because
this team would be nowhere without the man who is, simply put, The
UberJet. Shame on the team for not protecting him and his legacy more
diligently.
Extra
Points
Last 3 minutes in Football Happenings (2003)
I’ll admit I was secretly hoping the much-maligned Sugar Bowl
would end in a tie and, somehow, the #75 ranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights
would be named national champions. Guess we’ll just have to
earn it. And the quest continues with the commitment of one of the
top national RB prospects from Lakewood who will stay home. Couple
this with a good coach and a good young QB and we could be going places.
The roster churn has allowed the bottom part of our roster to be better
and thus has given us more depth.
Some very sad news, so I’ll deliver it quickly. Many of you
know Miss Kimba had to undergo emergency surgery
in December and we lost the pregnancy. At this point, Kim’s
back in good health and we’re both doing fine. We can’t
express how all the love and support from everyone has made us feel.
Thanks.
Time to admit that fourth quarter comeback isn’t going to happen
and send in your fee. If you’re in doubt, give us a call and
I’ll give you a clue.
One
final slant on the overall standings that some of you may find intersting...
The leaders
of the First Half of the season (Weeks 1 thru 9) were Champ
Johnny K and Mrs. Dom, who both went 75-50-5
.600, while Michelle B. went 70-55-5. After Week
#9, 2nd Place finisher Sonya found herself in a
tie for 20th at 63-62-5. On the other end, eventual Dane winner
Zack was tied for 26th overall (59-66-5) while
Ken Brown lavished in the basement at 49-76-5...
In the
Second Half of the season (Weeks 10 thru 17) JPK and Michelle both
went 59-61-6. Sonya led the league with a 71-49-6 .592 second half,
while Mrs. Dom crashed (54-66-6). Ken Brown went a respectable 60-60-6
to surrender the cellar to Zack and his 47-73-6. But the worst Half
of anyone was Ellen "Mellenhead" Shupp
and her 43-77-6 .358 second half. (I know, I know... Step off, ass!)
Ah, how sweet it is! Dan “That Prick” Marino is leaving
the airwaves to join the Miami front office. Now I can get back to
some serious sea scum hating without the threat of even accidentally
seeing him on a panel of talking heads. Now if he could only take
Dan Dierdorf with him…
Speaking
of pricks, it seems that in the list of names for tropical storms
in 2003, the names Peter and Rose were scheduled to be used if we
got that far in the alphabet. You can't make this stuff up, folks.
Now that Pete has "admitted" to betting on Baseball, what
say we make him wait another 14 years before we let him into the HOF.
Or, we can honor the letter of the law, and allow this to be a "lifetime
ban". Once Pete passes on, then vote
him in. At least that way he won't be able to further profit from
his "mistakes".
“Baseball and Football in the same year” has been the
mantra in the new vortex of fantasy sports, namely the Dallas dojo
of Kenny D and yours truly. Road to Victory
won the Bob Hope Memorial with a thrilling (for us) come-from-behind
finals win. We scored our winning points in the last quarter of the
last regular season NFL game. Coupled with baseball in the bottom
of the eighth inning of the last regular season MLB game, and it was
quite a year. Long live Jamal Lewis and Mark Loretta!
Uncle Angelo “Green Bird” Forgione checked
in with us a couple of weeks ago. Here’s an excerpt of his e-mail:
Dear Weenie: It's as cold as a witches' boobie up here. I can't
wait for spring training. Well I'd better be going I have to get
ready for the NFC Championship game which by the way if you haven't
heard involves a Phila. team for the 3rd straight year. Maybe they
can finally finish one out. I'm not holding my breath. Actually
I can't wait for this thing to be over. As you can imagine, every
second of our local TV coverage involves a story of the infamous
eagles fan. Like the fans who last week decided to place their still
lit hibachi under their RV for safe keeping until after the game.
Needless to say upon their return they found their RV, as well as,
6 other vehicles fully engulfed in one of the greatest bonfires
in Philly history. I'm convinced you have to have the IQ of a sea
cucumber to become the ultimate Eagles fan. Well, enough of that.
Talk to you soon. Later, “Eagles Green” Sheehey!
Coincidence? The NFL just produced a list of the number of college
graduates on each team’s roster. Carolina had the most graduates
in the league and New England was third.
Just
one thought while watching the Super Bowl XXXVIII pregame field show...
why couldn't Aerosmith have blown up over Texas last year?
Thanks again to everyone for a great season of football and other
stuff. All hail Ralphie our tireless AssCommish for
his diligence and excellence and to everyone out there who scratched
their heads, meditated, asked the dog, stood on one foot and closed
one eye, whatever, to make those hundreds of decisions and be part
of this shindig. I wish everyone the best health, safety and luck
and I hope everyone’s dreams keep coming true.
See
you in September, Everyone!!
