Happy Birthday, FBH On-Line!
Opening message from the AssCommish

  Wow, has it really been 6 years? Yes, it has! On the day I began designing the website for Football Happenings, I made a little notation at the bottom of the page to note it's creation date. That was April 29, 1997. We've come a long way since that fateful day. We've produced over 100 issues of this little newsletter, done some wonderfully silly things with peoples heads for Halloween each year, spat out our Hot Sports Opinions on our beloved Jets and the oft-maligned Cowboys, as well as the rest of the league. We've seen the coming out of the Uniform Guru. We've commemorated Births, Deaths, and Marriages. We've been thru a few design changes as my general boredom has come in contact with my need to be creative. We've seen weeks go by without a page update, but last year we had a complete 17-week season of new issues. We've had some guest columnists, and much guest commentary. We've had 6 different Champions in the 6 seasons we've been on-line, and 6 different Dane Award losers. We've had quite a few money winners, and some of them have actually received their cash awards. But mostly, we hope we've been entertaining. Hats off to us. Here's to looking forward to the next 6 years!

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The Public Checks In
Birthday wishes from around the globe

 We here at Football Happenings have been deluged with telegrams and phone calls from all our fans and friends around the world, wishing us a Happy 6th Birthday. We felt it appropriate to publish them here. Take a look... 

President George W. Bush: "In this time of confusion, with the US economy struggling, our armed forces in the Middle East, and terrorism at our doorstep, it's comforting to know, that there is a place we, as Americans, can go for a respite from the times. Football Happenings has been a part of my life, for 5 years now. Laura and I check in on a weekly basis, to see what crazy things you boys have cooked up, for us fans. And we are seldom disappointed. The humor, and scope of football opinions on your site, have helped not only us, but really, ALL of America, to cope with these rough times. We thank you, and congratulate you, on this, your 6th birthday."

Bill Parcells, Head Coach of the Dallas Cowboys: "Six years already? My God. I can recall my days with the Jets, every week my coaching staff and I would look forward to the latest issue of FBH. We'd take time away from watching game films and analyzing our next opponent just to check out what Ralph and Roy had to say about our last game. And now that I have taken up residence in Big D, I expect more of the same wit and humor we've all come to love. But please, try to go easy on me and my 'Boys. Happy 6th!"

Iraqi Minister of Information: "FBH is NOT 6 years old! It's maybe 2 years old, at most. They have not published 100 issues! They are weak. Our forces are stopping them and the members of FBH are committing mass suicides. They know nothing about football. They are stupid! They have never been to Texas, and never will! Their website is a sham! It's just Hollywood trickery. The bastards will die! God will save the victorious army of Iraq, and punish the FBH devils!"

Dave Schwade, all-time FBH loser: "I might never not have been to the FBH website. I might never not have finished in last place. I might never not wish FBH a Happy Birthday."

Tim Robbins & Susan Sarandon: "If the American people knew the complete scope of what these people at FBH are doing, they would be appalled and shocked, and there would be mass riots in the streets. How it is that our government officials can endorse their behavior is beyond our imagination. Susan and I can not speak loudly enough against this 6th Birthday celebration. PEACE!"

Robert Blake, Actor, Suspected Murderer: "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. But if you have to do the time, take the time to read Football Happenings every week. I do! Happy Birthday, fellahs."

Simon Cowell, Judge of American Idol on Fox: "This is the worst website I have ever seen. Any page that links to it should be forcefully removed from the Internet. This "Roy and Ralph" should bury their heads in a hole and have their collective heinies spanked to the point of extreme soreness. Reading their drivel makes me wish I had never turned on a computer. Do us all a favor, and re-boot yourselves back into the oblivion from which you came."

Monica Lewinsky: "I'm on my knees in admiration. On this your 6th, I'll plead the 5th."

Zikibayeva/Schwade
A Wedding Preview

 Sorry ladies, but another of People Magazine's Top 10 Bachelors is about to be taken off the market. That's right, the Schwade we'd all like to be if we could be a Schwade, Dave, is getting married on May 31st. The whole shebang is taking place at the Hilton in Alexandria, Virginia. The place is certain to be crawling with Schwades, Shupps, and Buntings too, as Roy, Kim and I will be there representing Football Happenings.

 Dave's bride is a lovely gal who hails from Kazakhstan, a former Soviet Republic in Central Asia. Her name is Zaurie Zikibayeva. She won't be allowed into FBH until she changes her name to something I can spell, and pronounce. Just kidding, of course. We're all quite pleased with Dave's choice for a wife. It's no secret that Dave has had a few "less-than-desirable-as-a-lifemate" girlfriends in his time. This time, however, it seems Dave has finally wised-up and gotten it right. Zaurie will make a fine addition to the Schwade Clan.

 We hope to be back in late August or early September with photos and stories from the wedding. But our sources on the "inside" have contributed a pair of photos of the future happy couple, and how they may appear on their special day...

Good Luck Dave and Zaurie!

Extra Points
Fastest 3 minutes in Football Happenings

This is the Uniform Guru, Go!

Just wanted to take this chance to mention a pair of newly introduced uniform changes in the NFL. The Detroit Lions have made a few changes, while the Atlanta Falcons have made some more drastic changes.

Lions added some black trim, but kept their traditional light blue and classic "Leaping Lion" on the helmet. A wise decision. I think the new look is a positive one. New stadium, new uniforms, but the team still sucks. Oh well.

Atlanta went crazy and came up with what will probably become a new trend on the sleeves. I say that because it's ugly, and ugliness seems to fester in the fashion stylings of the NFL. The new logo is OK, keeping the basic look of their traditional logo while dressing it up a bit. Not too sure about that piece of white stripe on the black pants.

Guru, out.