In
This Issue:
Week
Four Standings
We're Baaaaack!
Where the hell did we go last week? No, it didn’t have anything
to do with Rutgers’s bye week and me not having anything to
write about. Actually, the old dodge, too much work, is our excuse
and we’re sticking with it. Ralph is single-handedly holding
down BA’s tech support department for the time being, so we’ll
have to “catch as catch can” on the site. AssCommish is
keeping the standings and point spreads updated and we’ll keep
things moving, even if sometimes they appear to be only at a creep.
We haven’t
even previewed the divisions and the first quarter races are finished.
To complete the housekeeping, I didn’t have to do much shifting
about in the divisional lineups compared to last season.
[ Ken
“Sammy” Davis moved from my division to the
Yin/Yang division where most of the other BA people are congregated.
(Any parallel to Ken’s excellent FBH record and me shipping
him to another division are purely coincidental. And the rumors
that I am trying to get him to be my “co-captain” for
FBH are baseless, vial canards.)
[ The
youth movement continues at FBH. Scott Connor’s grandson Ed
“Another stinkin’ Dolphin fan” Bonnell
takes Kenny D’s place in the Tom Jones Division. (Ed’s
request to join the league mentioned that he had been helping Scott
make his picks which, based on a quick check of the past performance
records, did not immediately strike fear into hearts of LBFBHHQ
staffers).
[ Wyatt
“Earp” LeDuc has joined dad Tom
and older brother Zack in the Mr. Preston Division.
So far this season, Tom has been able to stay ahead of the two boys
in the standings, but stay tuned. (A friendly piece of advice to
Wyatt: I noticed you’re tied with Zack so far. Remember, Zack
finished last in 2003, so don’t copy off of his paper.) Thanks
for joining, Ed and Wyatt, and good luck this season!
[ To
round things out at four groups of 12, Emma the Football
Picking Cat will be this season’s guest participant.
Emma is smart, feisty, full of energy and she loves to play. Plus,
she has nine lives so don’t underestimate her.
Now that
we know where we are, here’s what’s happened so far…the
first quarter winners were:
[ Yin/Yang
Division: Kenny D (40-20 record) by an impressive
5 games over Dyalan “Eye Candy” Beamon.
[ Mr.
Preston Division: Ellen “LPG” Shupp
(also 40-20) over her mom (Mrs. Cap’n Dom)
by three games. Score one for the “nature” over “nurture”
group.
[ Rabbi
Dad Division: Ron “The Juggernaut” Hade
(38-22) demonstrated his perspicacity, taking the div by beating
Ralphie and Emma the Cat by three
games. (The first football game Emma saw was opening day 2004 and
she beats 9 of you?)
[ Tom
Jones Division: Scott “Bull” Conner
(38-22) overcame the annual strong starts by Michelle “what
can” Brown “do for you?” and Angelo
“Birthday Weenie” Forgione by three games.
Congratulations
to all our winners! Now, let’s tighten our chinstraps for the
grueling five-week, family-sized second quarter.
[ On
the other end of the telescope, those of us who apparently have
had too much favorites and home teams in their diet, Yogi
“Bonehead” Yeager and Jeff “The
Sinful Man” Vanek are apparently metaphysically still
out there looking for Beer the bird. They are tied for last place
with 22-38 marks, with T. Bennett Schwade a mere
falafel ahead at 23 wins.
Less
Is More
(...more or less)
When I first got the NFL Sunday Ticket, TV with PIP, a DVR to stop
action and provide slow motion reviews, and a laptop to display my
fantasy football stat tracker, I was in hog heaven. But now, it’s
just too much information. I was literally driving myself nuts (okay,
I know, I know…that’s not a drive, that’s a putt)
with the barrage. True, watching four games at once with one eye and
straining to read miniature stat scrolls with the other will do that,
but it all starts with the games themselves.
I
thought adding the scores in the top corner was great when it came
out. Now, the scoreboards have grown to take up too much screen “real
estate.” If they are going to continue like that, perhaps they
should just go ahead and make a permanent banner and make the size
of the action slightly smaller with nothing on top of it. The current
presentation makes the game look like an afterthought (perhaps it
is to TV execs).
I thought
the line the networks added to show where the first down yard marker
was a wonderful innovation. But now they have a line of scrimmage
marker? What idiot needs that? The only time that’s relevant
is when a QB is running and you want to know if he can still throw
a legal forward pass. Even in the age of Michael Vick, that hardly
ever happens. Ralph tells me the line of scrimmage is on football
video games. Please don’t tell me THAT is pushing the programming
agenda.
And what’s
with the arrows showing down and distance? Enough already!
Last week
while we were watching the Jets beat the Dolphins…again…we
couldn’t figure out if the bluish line was the line of scrimmage
and the orange line was the first down marker or if it was just the
team colors painted on the field. (As if Dolphin fans didn’t
have enough to whine about!)
(You know,
the constant beating the Jets give the Dolphins twice a year would
be boring at this point if it wasn’t so delicious to see Jason
Taylor start crying every time it happens. Jeez! You think he’d
be used to it by now.)
Then some
fields have yellow lines on the field for soccer matches. Try figuring
those out.
I even saw
a double-thick white line with an area beyond it that had no hash
marks at all; what the hell was that? The end zone, you say? Ah, yes.
I vaguely remember…
It’s
going to be bad enough when teams start wearing advertisements on
their jerseys. What’s next? Flashing hash marks around the pocket?
A grayed area signifying the “legal chuck” zone? Superimposed
name tags following players a la NASCAR?
Will there
come a day when you hear “Second down, sponsored by Budweiser”
or “This ‘third and long’ brought to you by Viagra?”
The real
crying shame, Jason, is the artificial hype is not necessary. There’s
plenty of excitement in the games themselves (that’s why we
watch in the first place). The more we pump up the presentation, the
less the action stands out. But when the presentation is actually
competing with the play for viewer’s attention, we’ve
gone too far.
Little wonder
why player behavior becomes more and more outlandish (they are competing
for attention and the pomp gives the implicit message to “mach
schau!”). Yet the NFL proves (at worst) its hypocrisy or (at
least) its blindness by continually over-hyping the game while cracking
down on players for excess celebration. To paraphrase Einstein, “You
cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare hype.”
We’ve
gone too far. My advice to the NFL is “less is more.”
Provide a proper showcase and let the game shine for itself. If you
want the game to sparkle, take away the things that slow it down or
distract from it in progress. Fewer commercials and getting average
game times back under 3 hours would be a start. But please leave the
cheerleaders. (If you take them away, then the terrorists have won.)
NFL
Happenings
The Weeks in Pictures
It's
been two weeks since we last took a photographic look around the NFL.
Here's the best photos of the past two weeks action...
P
on the PP
Super Bowl Bound? / Bad Weather Games?
We are now in our
second season of doing a weekly PPP, and it should be perfectly obvious
that I'm running out of things to ask you people to place your opinions
on. But if you've read at least two issues of Football Happenings,
then you know that not having anything to say is hardly reason enough
to keep our traps shut. And so the PPP lives on, some questions more
ridiculous than others. Stay tuned for more questions that are too
stupid NOT to ask.
Before
we get to the results from the last two weeks, let's see some of your
comments [with mine to follow]:
In
the true spirit of the PPP, Paul Kessler made sure
no one knew what he was talking about when he said: "Port
Adelaide beat Brisbane and covered!!!!!! woohooo, beers on me...".
[Aussie, aussie, aussie, oy, oy, oy, Paul.]
While Jeff Vanek also spouted some gibberish with:
"Hello happeners, what's happening? Year 37 or 38?" [Huh?]
Another
non-US citizen, Mike Hogg brags: "Sorry I missed
last weeks - I was on holiday in Tuscany!!"
Dyalan
made a last minute pick switch with this comment: "Becky,
an Oakland follower over the years, reminds me that Oakland lets everyone
down in big home games. I'm going with that!" [Bad move,
sir. Oakland beat the Buccs that day.]
Mellenhead
wanted us to know: "We saw dada with Dave. It was really swell."
[This proves the theory that not even the presence of Dave can ruin
a dada show.]
And
Dave had this to add of that night: "First time
seeing DADA. It was great, which is why I'm picking at 2pm. Mellenhead
took loads of great photos and a few bad ones. We had alcohol."
[Yea, I remember my first beer too, Dave.]
When
it came to Bad Weather Football, Beth Wong said:
"Not ALL of them should be played in bad weather... especially
the ones I am attending or Rob is shooting." [How selfish, and
yet, unselfish at the same time.]
Paul
Kessler kept his promise to make comments so long as we publish
them when he said: "I think that bad weather should be a part
of all modern "sporting" activities.... like ping pong and
tennis. Imagine tennis in an electrical storm back when aluminum rackets
were in! You'd find out who really came to play. Hey Yogi! Cover me
on the FBH fee. I don't think PayPal works with HSBC Australia Bank."
[You might want to try winning a QTR, Paul. That too would cover your
fee.]
John
"why does it always rain on me" Kardel helped my
foolish question seem brilliant when he said: "These enclosed
stadiums with roofs are perfect. They should randomly pick a weather
scenario before each quarter. At kick off it could be -10ºF and
snowing like a blizzard. 2nd quarter starts and it's 110ºF on
the field and sunny. Third quarter, same as the 2nd quarter (hey I
said it should be random). 4th quarter and it's raining cats and dogs,
actual cats and dogs everywhere. [Amen, Mr. K.]
Yogi
"cellar-dweller" Yeager admitted: "My lovely
wife made my picks this week in a desperate attempt to get out of
the cellar". [It didn't work, Yogi.]
More
from The Dane himself: "Yes - definitely play
all games in bad weather. I especially like the gale-force winds;
they're great for kickers." [Don't let Garo hear you say that.]
Quote
from Ellen, "I'm doing bad this time, don't
know who to pick". [Step off, first place ass.]
OK!
When asked who, besides the 2&0 Jets, would make it to the Super
Bowl, it's no surprise that the Philadelphia Eagles got the nod from
17 of the 27 people who chose to respond. What is surprising is the
Detroit Lions getting 2 votes of confidence in the poll. What's not
surprising is that one of those 2 votes came from "Dr. Detroit"
himself: J.V. The other came from Dave, who obviously
had too much to drink the night before. Also no surprise.
When
asked to consider the silly notion of the league making foul-weather
games mandatory, I'm not sure which is the more amazing of the results...
The fact that:
A) 13 people
agreed that bad-weather games are really cool (answered: Yes!)
B) 25 people even responded to such a dumb question
C) Only 7 people took advantage of the opportunity to call me an idiot!
The
5 of you who answered No! can stay indoors.
Extra
Points
Speediest 3 minutes in Football Happenings
While
last weekend ended the first quarter in FBH, it also was the culmination
of six months of action in fantasy baseball leagues. The contest in
the Bob Murphy Memorial League was the most competitive ever and this
year, once again, the championship was not decided until the final
day. Ultimately, the defending champion Rocket Scientists (Kenny
D and The Commish) were able to hold off the Black Holes
(managed by Bob the Drummer/Commissioner) and Third
Rock Habitant (Will “Kailee” Wong) at
the finish. This makes the third consecutive fantasy sports title
for the Ken/Roy duo.
[
As Bob tells me, the Newark Star Ledger’s most used sports headline
is “Another Crushing Defeat For Rutgers.” Last week RU
lost to Syracuse by 41-31 but had the ball late and only trailed by
a field goal when the Knights self-destructed. In the end, they could
not overcome drive-killing penalties, one that negated a converted
4th and 28 on the final drive. All we can do is enjoy the slow, hopefully
inevitable progress and look forward to facing Vanderbilt in Nashville.
[
My favorite line about the capture of Yusef Islam, the former Cat
Stevens came from the Daily Show, “Yes! We finally caught
the guy who wrote ‘Peace Train’!”
[
More proof that life is, indeed, stranger than fiction comes from
msnbc.msn.com:
MINNEAPOLIS
- Cleveland Indians pitcher Kyle Denney won’t complain about
having to dress like a cheerleader again. The white go-go boots
that went with the outfit might have prevented a bullet from seriously
injuring his leg.
The rookie
was hit in the right calf by a shot that came through the side of
the Indians’ bus in Kansas City late Wednesday as the team
traveled to the airport after a victory over the Royals. The bullet
caused only a flesh wound, probably because of the tough leather
of the knee-high boot, Denney and his trainers said.
All of Cleveland’s
rookies were decked out in outrageous outfits on the bus, part of
a hazing ritual. An Oklahoma native, Denney said his teammates told
him to dress as a USC cheerleader because the Sooners are ranked
second behind Southern California in The Associated Press college
football poll.
“I’ve
never been so glad to have a USC thing on,” Denney said.
You have
to wonder if the shooter was anti-Indians, anti-Trojans, anti-Cheerleaders,
anti-Drag Queens, or just anti-Greyhound. [--Ralph]
