In
This Issue:
Current
Standings
The What? Bowl
...
And we're back! That was quite a long break we had there. Unintentional.
Things just got away from us and we couldn't devote much time to
this wonderful publication. Everything's fine, just a little mid-season
nap on our part. I hope we didn't jinx our Scarlet Knights by celebrating
too long by leaving that last page up. What was (and still is)
a dream season for RU turned a bit sour as they've lost 2 games
while our tribute issue stayed dormant. A trip to The Orange Bowl
would have been amazing. The Orange Bowl?! Rutgers is going to
play in the ORANGE BOWL??!! It was too good to be true, so of course
it won't happen, at least not this season. Still, for Rutgers any
Bowl game other than The Garden State Bowl (I didn't make that
up, it existed) is quite an accomplishment. But instead of getting
to go to one of the other long-time well-known Bowl games, we get
to go to one that's never been played before. We played in the
first Garden State Bowl in 1978, a Bowl game basically created
so that Rutgers could BE in a Bowl game for the first time in 125
years. In the 4 year history of the GSB, Rutgers was only good
enough to make it to that game once.
Compared
to the Orange Bowl, the inaugural Texas Bowl seriously pales. The
Texas Bowl? I didn't know what it was a few weeks ago when Bob
mentioned that game as a Rutgers possibility. Here I am, so-called
football expert, living in Texas, didn't know there was a Texas
Bowl. As a fan,
I was quite disappointed they got stuck in the Texas Bowl. But
then I realized that, hey, I live in Texas! The game is in Houston.
I can go! Any other Bowl besides the Cotton Bowl, I wouldn't be
able to go see it. And since the game is being televised on the
NFL Network, I have no choice but to go to Houston. So off we go.
Plans are in the works and along with Mr. and Mrs. Commish, and
hopefully Mr. and Mrs. Shupp, I'll be attending my first ever College
bowl game.
Current Standings
Not much has changed in
the standings since we last spoke. Sonya "Rocky
III" Morgan still
sits atop the leaderboard, enjoying her 6 game lead. The new face
in the crowd is Dolores "Jimmy" Conner"s" who
seems to have come out of nowhere to assume the 2nd place position.
It's the year of the women kicking our male tuchus' and Dolores
is getting her share of kicks, while Jennifer
Pickert has taken
permanent residence in the top five. Seems like she's been up there
all season. A candidate for Rookie of the Year for sure. She's
joined in 3rd place by European Cup leader Mark
van Miltenburg,
and Wyatt "Earp" LeDuc. Wyatt holds
a slight edge over Jayden
"Spears" Howell for the Little Kid
Championship.
In the FBH basement this
week we find Sir Alex Bunting all by his lonesome.
The cellar has been a popular place this year so don't expect him
to be there long. While we were away, Week 12 ended with Dave
"Mr. Dane" Schwade sitting alone
in last place. This is important because he now has been alone
in first and alone in last in the same season. Not an easy thing
to do, but then again, Dave never did do anything easy (or easily).
So who were the big weekly winners
and losers while we were gone? In Week 10, both Dolores and Emma
The Cat went 12-4, while Bill "BEVO"
Sullivan mirrored
that with a 4-12. In Week 11, no less than 7 people went 11-5,
but Andy Halstead topped it with his 12-4. Pretty
much everyone else went 8-8 and no one did poor enough to make
fun of here. Week 12 saw the same thing, as 7 people scored an
11-5, no one did better, and no one did terrible. Week 13's King
and Queen were
Emma (cat) and Rob Tringali (not
a cat), who both went 13-3. Beth
Wong and her 3-13 was
the court jester.
Emma is on a serious run up the
standings. She was in last place not very long ago and now she's
only a few games away from the Top 5. What does she know that we
don't know? Is she getting inside information from secret NFL sources?
Probably. And I think she's sharing that info with her housemates
as they have all reached the "Happy Hundred" mark in Wins. Watch
out Jennifer and Kara, the cat's gaining on you.
Until next week (hopefully)...
Annual Playoff
Preview Article
AKA Great, Here
Comes Another
“Here Comes The Jets/Cowboys Super Bowl”
Article
From Roy
The
National Football Conference
I’m sure you won’t be
shocked by me making this prediction: Dallas will win the NFC title.
This is not just blatant homerism or alcohol talking. Tony Romo has
brought the largest amount of x-factor to any NFC team this season.
While some are waiting for the bubble to burst, Romo’s bubble
has staying power because his secret strategy is getting the ball into
the hands of the skill players; not trying to do everything himself.
As long as he doesn’t
try to do too much, we’re golden. Think about how deep this
team is on offense (2 RBs, deep WR corps, TE, solid, healthy OL).
Great move on the kicker. Sometimes you can add by subtraction and
that move got the team’s attention. Good special teams and
defense round out the most complete squad in football.
The Saints game should be one of the top games
of the year but, while I’m rooting for New Orleans in general,
The Saints haven’t
beaten enough good teams to make me a believer yet.
Chicago is relying on special teams and defense
which you can do against their powder-puff schedule but not in
the playoffs. They are 1-2, and could easily be 0-3, vs. the AFC
East (a REAL division). When your team has a 10-2 record and your
head coach has to deflect questions about who the starting QB should
be, that’s not a
good sign.
Seattle is not impressive – they don’t
have WR depth and they have been too schizophrenic (all season) to
sustain a long playoff run. Their chances improve if they can get
a bye but don’t
count on it.
I’m not anti-Giants, but there are really
few people I enjoy watching being agitated more than Tom Coughlin…that
shit’s
really funny. He looks like one of those alien stress toys being
squeezed. That team needs a visit from Dr. Phil or Deepak Chopra;
where’s the love?
As much as stepping over the downward-spiraling
Panthers at home on MNF is potentially a positive sign, I’m
afraid that Philadelphia’s
post-season hopes ended with Donovan McNabb’s season.
The American Football Conference
In the FBH preview issue, when I predicted
that The Mighty Jets would be a playoff team this season, I was accused
of using illicit drugs, by my own family, no less. Lo and behold,
Gang Green is in the thick of the playoff hunt at 7-5 and the other
AFC teams are flawed and looking like they need either a hug or a
banana (to improve their overall sense of well-being).
I’ll end the suspense. Yes, I do expect
The Jets to make the playoffs. No, I don’t expect to see them
in the Super Bowl this season.
Truth be told, no one from the AFC gives me
goose bumps. Indy is not immortal and SD, despite the talents of
the super-human LT, is riding a rookie QB…danger, Will Robinson.
KC, Denver (ditto rookie QB), Jacksonville (ditto schizophrenia)…quack!
As much as I’m very tired of seeing
Peyton Manning audible-ize (don’t his linemen spend all week
studying who to block like other teams?), I think the Colts win
the AFC. I like SD but the rookie QB and the coach’s curse
look like a gathering conspiracy to me. New England seems battered
and beleaguered and Coach Belichick needs a visit from Queer Eye
For the Straight Guy almost as much as the AssCommish does.
Guest
Column
Kenny D. Goes Scattershooting
I
rarely watch the annual Army/Navy game, but the playing of the Star
Spangled Banner at this game in a stadium full of middies and cadets
at full salute gives me goose bumps every single time.
[ There’s always one NFL team that you
can’t handicap.
You can’t figure them out. You pick against them or for them
and are wrong every week. In fact you pick for them one week, against
them the next – you alternate for and against them because
you never get it right. You know who it is. We all have it. For me
it’s the Houston Texans. I think I’ve picked them right
maybe once all year. This week they were 2.5 point underdogs to the
Raiders in Oakland. Houston had a paltry 161 yards of total offense
(only 32 passing yards), and 2 turnovers. But won the game by 9 points.
[ San Francisco’s Mike Nolan and Jacksonville’s
Jack Del Rio asked the league for permission to wear a suit and tie
on the sidelines a couple of weeks ago. I’m not sure why they
needed permission, did Tom Landry or George Halas ever have to do
that? The end result was that Nolan looked very dapper and professional,
and Del Rio looked like a kid in Sunday school forced to wear an
ill-fitting suit and the clip-on tie his Mom got him.
[ A big thumbs down to the new referee uniforms.
Just this week I noticed the cold weather version, which features
what look like black warmup pants in a sort of unitard. The refs
are looking more and more like Canadian Football League refs, and
come to think of it, are calling games like CFL refs too. (see below)
[ I witnessed absolutely the worst call I’ve
ever seen in the NFL last week. The worst. Oakland vs. San Diego,
in San Diego. Chargers ahead in the second half, but Oakland putting
up a surprisingly strong fight and holding LT to only 26 yards rushing
into the third quarter. In the fourth quarter San Diego has the ball
but is up by only 6 or 7 points. Vincent Jackson, the Chargers’ rookie
wide receiver, catches a pass for a first down and was so surprised
by it and so proud of himself that he spins the ball out of his hand
on to the ground like an end zone celebration. Problem is, nobody
has touched him since he caught the pass and hit the ground catching
it, so it’s
a fumble and Oakland pounces on it. But wait. The referee throws
a flag and penalizes him for an ‘illegal forward pass’,
and the Chargers get to keep the ball. What??? He purposely spun
the ball on the ground. There was no receiver under it, near it,
or in the general vicinity. There was no intention to get it to anyone.
He was friggin celebrating his great play. Replay showed nobody got
close to him and he dumped the ball on the ground of his own volition.
Untouched. A fumble. An illegal pass? To whom? An unbelievable call
that smacked of homerism and gave the Chargers a huge first down.
[ So while I’m on a ref tirade, let’s
go ahead and comment about the special treatment they are giving
quarterbacks. You can’t
touch a QB any more without getting a personal foul. It’s ridiculous.
It’s a man’s game, let them settle it like men. Could
you picture Dick Butkus or Ray Nitschke trying to sack a QB without
a forearm shiver or a twist-and-throw? Of course, the fault here
probably lies with the league rules as much as the referees.
[ The only thing worse than QB Rex Grossman’s
performance on Sunday against the Vikings was the fact that I had
him in the lineup for one of my fantasy football teams. Rex, I could
have played Jake Plummer, who didn’t take a snap against Seattle,
and scored more points than the negative 2.5 you got me. There, I
feel better now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
[ I’ve never been a big Joey Harrington
fan, but after the Detroit PA announcer introduced the Miami defense
on Thanksgiving day, they made it a point to introduce Harrington
as well, ostensibly so the Detroit fans could boo him. That’s
really low. So then he promptly threw for 213 yards and 3 touchdowns
and the Fins whooped the Lions. Nice.
Old Announcer’s Rankings
There seems to be a proliferation right now
of ‘elder statesman’ in
the broadcasting business. By that I mean guys that call NFL and
college games, or are studio hosts, and have been around forever,
or at least it seems like they have. And while I’m hoping not
to offend anyone (being ancient myself), some of these guys are a
little easier to listen to than others. So here’s a quick review
of some of the elder statesmen:
Lou Holtz, 69 – Lou still knows as much
about college football as anyone in the country, the problem is when
he try's to tell you about it. It’s getting hard for me to
watch him trying to get words out sometimes. He just seems to slur
a lot of words and have trouble getting some of the words out a lot
of the time: GRADE: C
Brent Musberger, 67 – Brent was great
in the early 70’s
with Irv Cross and Phyllis George. And Jimmy the Greek too. Credit
must go to the original and best NFL pre-game show, especially when
you consider the barrage of crap the networks are throwing at us
now. But Brent, it may be time to hang it up. Every game is turning
into an ‘instant classic’ for you, and after Michigan
drove to a touchdown lead on their first possession against Ohio
State, you boldly proclaimed that once again “Troy Smith was
going to have to bring OSU from behind in the 4th quarter”.
About 4 minutes into the game. And quit calling me ‘FOLKS’.
GRADE - C-
Dick Enberg, 71 – Dick occasionally wanders
off topic, and his ‘Oh My’ is getting a bit orchestrated
these days. But he still sounds pretty good. GRADE – B+
Verne Lundquist, 66 – aah Verne. A Texas
Lutheran College graduate, he is still going strong and at the top
of his game. The king of smooth, Verne got his start doing Bowling
for Dollars on ABC in Dallas in the late 60’s. I recall watching
it every week with my parents as the contestants had 2 bowling balls
at some money right after the 6:00 news. Early Verne in his dark
horn-rimmed glasses. Smooth. GRADE - A
Mike Gottfried, 61 – Mike Gottfried was
a good college coach in his day, but he talks at about 33 RPM,
slurs a bit, and really stumbles to get things out some times.
Sounds 91 and not 61. GRADE - D
Pat Summerall, 76 – the true elder statesman,
Pat hasn’t
called a game for about a year now, until Sunday, when he stepped
in for the Rams and Cardinals. He sounded pretty darn good considering
all that he’s been through. GRADE - B
P
On The PP
Son Of Dave, And More...
Zzzzzzz...yawn....
oh hello! It's about time we awoke from our mid-season slumber and
revealed some long ago PPP results. We've got 4 weeks worth of PPP
questions to go thru so this might take a while. Let's go back to
Week 10, and the very important naming of Dave Schwade's baby.
First of all, a big FBH congratulations
goes out to Dave and Zaure on their impending bundle of joy. Looks
like we'll have a new member next year! Assuming it's a boy, we asked
what they should name the baby. Here were the choices offered:
"Son of Dave": got 6 votes
"Borat": got 4 votes
"Dane": got 2 votes
Apparently you didn't like the choices offered as 13 people said
"Something Else". Here are the other suggestions you submitted:
Scott Connor: "Slade"
Mikey Joyce:
I like "Dane" or "Spawn," with the nickname "Lil'
Sub" (hearkening back to Dave's submarine days and relating to the
fact that it took some time for this little guy to surface--Lil'
Sub Schwade has a ring to it, too).
Doug Manuel:
Don't care about the first name but the middle name should be "Danger" as
in "Danger is my middle name" At least he'll get laid a lot in high school.
Jeff Vanek: Tom Jones, baby [Ed.
note: Wrong Schwade, Jeff.]
Wouter van Zutphen:
Dave, Jr.
Pete Blasevick: I feel Dave should
bestow upon his son the character building moniker Gussie Fitznoggle
Schwade. If by some curse of the Gods it is a girl, he should similarly
go with Gussie Fitznoggle Schwade.
John Kardel: While the first name
could be anything, make sure that his middle name is Danger. [Ed.
note: Where have I heard that before?]
Tom Schwade:
My vote has always been for Sultan Jose Schwade, which neatly blends
cultures.
Emma The
Cat: Felix
Mellenhead
Shupp: Jake Moon Schwade
Angelo Forgione: I think the name "Suede" has
a certain ring to it. Congrats on the great news !
Bob Shupp: Zen Ghengis
Khan Schwaddy [Ed. note: Bob also originated
the name "Son of Dave"]
We'll give Dave the last word on this:
Zaure
and I were thinking of naming him by initials only - sometimes that
seems to be catchy! We
hope 'FBH' or "LBFBHHQ' aren't copy write protected. Then again,
we're thinking of a good Judeo-Christian-Muslim name, though very
difficult to find (Jeslam? Muhamesus? Nate?). Owing to my German/Austrian
heritage, I was wondering if it was a good time to bring back the
name Adolf? But, we'll probably go for a politically correct
name such as Engelbert Humperdinck Schwade.
p.s. If any of you see Sacha Cohen's movie, don't tell me about it. I
am bound by Kazak tradition to throw onions and rhubarb on you and
cook you in a vat.
On the Business Access website,
there is a Poll question area where our Achievers are asked their
opinions about certain topics. This question changes every week or
so. There was a question that appeared that I found somewhat humorous,
mostly because of one of the offered responses. That same week, I
needed a question for the PPP so I plagiarized it. So Week 11's question
was this: Are you currently taking any medications? The
obvious answer is either Yes or No. But the achievers were also given
a choice of "Not Sure". I found that hilarious, how could you be
"not sure" if you are taking medication? If you are SUPPOSED to be
taking med's and you're not, you're in trouble. If you are NOT supposed
to be taking any, and you ARE, well then that's not good either.
15 people admitted that, Yes,
they are taking medication. No shame in that, I'm among those 15.
7 people said, No, they are not taking any med's.
But I'm worried about the 6 people who said they weren't
sure. I'm hoping they simply saw the humor in this answer and they were
just trying to be funny. (For the record, none of our Achievers said
they weren't sure.)
Ken Davis: Medication is attending
the Cowboys/Colts game while being in contention for the World Championship
of Fantasy Football.
Jeff Vanek: Didn't we sign doctor/patient
confidentiality forms when we joined FBH 16 years ago?
Bob Shupp: I need some medication
after last night's Rutgers game... We'll win the next two. [Ed.
note: this came after Rutgers' loss to Cincinnati.]
Mellenhead
Shupp: I'm at a loss! Speechless!
But I would like some Lobster!
Wouter van
Zutphen: Is beer medication???
Dane Schwade: I am currently self-medicating
with a mixture of alcohol and caffeine. It's a 50-50 blend;
50% before noon, and 50% after noon. Gotta go dose.
Tom Schwade: Is beer medication? Not
now, it's 8AM; I'll wait till the pregame show at 9AM.
Pete Blasevick: I may or may not be taking
the following: Hydrocodone, Lexapro, Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Effexor,
Zoloft, Paxil Wellbutrin, Bextra, Neurontin, Lipitor, Percocet, Oxycodone,
Vioxx, Valium, Naproxen, Tramadol, Ambien, Morphine, Oxycontin, Celebrex,
Prednisone, Celexa,Tylenol,
Ultracet, Protonix, Soma, Atenolol, Prozac,
Lisinopril, Lortab, Darvocet, Cipro, Levaquin, Ativan, Nexium, Cyclobenzaprine,
Ultram, Alprazolam, Trazodone, Norvasc, Biaxin, Codeine, Clonazepam,
Toprol, Zyprexa, Zocor, Zithromax, Diovan, Klonopin, and a few others
I can't spell.
Week 12 saw the debut of Thursday
Night Football on the NFL Network. I chose that opportunity to beg
for some sympathy because I don't get the NFL Network, not because
I don't want it or refuse to pay for it, but because I have no other
option for TV service than Time-Warner Cable and they took away the
NFL Network that I used to enjoy with Comcast.
When asked how much this fact
sucked, this was the response:
11 people said Wow, that really
sucks.
4 people said Too Bad, So Sad.
7 people told me to Get A Life.
So I guess I broke even on the
sympathy quest. Thank you to the 11 of you who felt my pain. And
to the 11 of you who seemingly laughed in the face of my loss, well,
I forgive you. It's all in good fun and I'm going to assume that's
the intended nature of your responses.
Bob Shupp: Ralph, Grab a cheap flight and
c'mon over. Direct TV has the game, and we have pie!
Scott Conner: I think that all
NFL (a legal monopoly) games should be public domain. And I think
the YES (Yankee) network sucks too!
Mike Carothers: I have the NFL
Network and its in HD!!!!
Dane Schwade: Frankly, I have
no idea if I'll be getting the late game today. Worse, probably,
is that I'm not much caring. I am apathetic as heck about the
NFL these days, and not just because of my picking (in)abilities. I
think the fact that I am shut-out of going to any game in the D.C.
area (loathing of Snyder and all things redskins, Bal'mor thuggery,
ticket price, etc.) adds to my apathy. Add to that the on-field
whining and dancing, which far outweighs the quality of play, and
you get ... apathy. Still, I am sympathetic to your plight. On
the happy side of town, I am thankful for FBH, which keeps my inkling
of excitement in the NFL alive.
Roy Bunting: I would have been
3-0 on Thursday if it hadn't been for Marino's damn tie...Rutgers
Rules! Go Jets! Let's run the table.
p.s. Lamar Hunt, who created the AFL and has been lobbying
for a Thanksgiving Day game in KC for 30+ years, and is a billionaire,
didn't get to see the Thursday night game live either. He was
in the hospital and they didn't have NFL Network. He had to
listen to the game over the phone. So, either that was some
weird synchronicity or Ralph should stop complaining.
Finally, Week 13 arrived and
again I had nothing good to use as a PPP question. So I reverted
to a another
language. I hesitate to call Spanish a "foreign" language because
here in Texas, English is a foreign language. And to ask the simple
question of "Why?" is too broad and boring, I needed to dress it
up a bit. I used an online English to Spanish translator so I hope
I got it right. I wasn't corrected by any of our Spanish speaking
members so maybe I did.
The question was, "¿Por
qué?" (Why?)
13 people gave the correct answer,
which was "¿Por qué no?" (Why Not?)
4 people answered "Como" (Because)
6 people admitted they had no idea what I was talking about and
answered, "Huh?"
Pete Blasevick: Becausew.
Alsow, Iw didn'tw makew itw tow thew computerw tow makew myw pickw
onw Thursdayw, howeverw, myw defaultw picksw arew thew homew teamsw
andw Iw wasw goingw tow takew Cincyw anywayw... 1-0w! Iw lovew doublew
youzw.
Roy Bunting: Unlike some, I did
know about the Thursday night game and selected the home team. That
should count for something special, si?
Jeff Vanek: What? [Ed.
note: No, Jeff, not what?, why!]
Dane Schwade:
Porque? Porque? Porque? Cuando,
cuando, cuando! Definitely more "porque" than "cuando."
